As a person who has basically recovered (mostly, I think) from Borderline Personality Disorder and codependence myself, watching someone you love go through the process can be an extremely painful thing.
"Borderline Personality Disorder" is a name for a condition which is generally just a huge, oppressive feeling that you suck and that also everybody unfairly hates you. You feel left out, inferior, and angry because you know you are "not as bad as everyone thinks I am!" This is a very colloquial way to describe it, but it honestly is hell for the individual experiencing it, and this is basically what it felt like, to me.
It is a cry for unconditional love, or the "unconditional positive regard" that we are meant to receive from our parents as children.
If your parents were staunch authoritarians, or emotionally damaged themselves, they may have required for you to act certain ways in order to receive their "love" and approval. If you didn't act in those prescribed ways, they may have chastised you, or worse, cut you off from their emotional presence and positive regard. They may have given you the cold shoulder. They may have told you--whether implicitly or explicitly--how "bad," inferior, and undesirable you are.
How I came out of the "hell-pit."
I had a bad bout with depression a few years ago, much of which stemming from the toxic mindset I described above, and my wife yelled at me in frustration one day, WE CANNOT LIVE IN YOUR HELL!
She was right.
Years ago I had a couple of friends who, whether or not they meant to, helped me immensely on my road to healing.
I was in a three-piece band, and we all lived, breathed, ate, slept, and worked together. We were like brothers. Stuff would happen, though, and I would often feel left out, unwanted, and misunderstood. Sometimes there were good reasons for this. other times there were not.
The band, in Los Angeles.
When you have BPD, the smallest trigger can set off an explosion of all the anger, sadness, and hurt you have been holding in, and you might go on a tirade about all the "wrongs" you have been keeping track of, that the other person has done to you.
YOU PUT THE MAYONNAISE BACK IN THE WRONG SPOT IN THE FRIDGE!!!!!!!!
TRANSLATION: You don't love me and I am still wondering why you didn't invite me to go to the movies last week with everybody else. You putting the mayonnaise back there where you know I don't keep it proves you don't care about my needs and are an asshole beyond help and I fucking hate you!
I used to be extremely critical of my two friends. They didn't understand the pain I was dealing with. One day, one of these friends gave me a book about BPD. I felt insulted, but I read it anyway. Slowly but surely, over the years I began to realize that people were not either "all good" or "all evil" and that everything they did or said was not a reflection of my self-worth. In short, I began to accept myself, and to not have my feelings of positive self-regard be codependent on the passing whims and opinions of others.
When we are kids we look to our parents for approval.
If unconditional positive regard and love are mirrored back to us in their eyes, we grow to like ourselves. If disapproval and criticism is the constant, we remain utterly and painfully dependent on the perceived "approval" of others, even into adulthood. We are constantly looking to "mommy" and "daddy" in the others. We are constantly looking to "God" in the preacher, or "truth" in the teacher.
The anger comes from knowing this is a self-imposed hoax and a scam. The frustration and helpless feelings come from not being able to escape the conviction that the hoax and scam may not be a hoax and scam, but that your parents, your god, your teachers and preachers may actually be right, and you might actually, in all reality, be "bad."
So, for those of you struggling through this, I write this:
You are an invaluable, inimitable, unique and wonderful human being on this planet. You do not need anyone's approval because you already have the approval of life itself. The road out of this hell is a long one, and to some degree or another, never ends, but as you ascend and see the nature of your hallucination, you will be empowered, and see that the world is, although dangerous and risk-laden often times, a sensible, logical and beautiful place, and that the nightmare of your inadequacy was just a short circuit put into place a long time ago. It is not too late to set it straight and start again.
You can do this! You are the shit! You are life, itself! And all the love in the universe is yours.
Though you may wish to push away those that claim to love you, because you can't believe them when they say so, and though you may wish to test their "phony love" by pushing them to the limits with insults and all sorts of emotional attacks, it is my hope that you will turn that mirror around, and see that truly you are only attacking yourself. Fuck what the people in the past may or may not have thought of you. You are born again, and I want to be the first to say...
happy birthday.
(images in this post are my own, from morguefile.com, and/or fair use.)
~KafkA
Graham Smith is a Voluntaryist activist, creator, and peaceful parent residing in Niigata City, Japan. Graham runs the "Voluntary Japan" online initiative with a presence here on Steem, as well as Facebook and Twitter. (Hit me up so I can stop talking about myself in the third person!)
