Image by Elias Shariff Falla Mardini from Pixabay
“OK, no. Just no. There are a lot of things that people are doing that are not fashionable, cute, fun, or safe, and I will not be doing them. Nobody is getting me into a wedding dress and then putting me through a rice shower – it's sticky – haven't y'all heard of sticky rice?”
This was eight-year-old Edwina Ludlow talking with her best friend eight-year-old Gracie Trent about things people do at weddings.
“Ain't it the truth, but, all I'm saying is,” Gracie said, combining her first and second favorite phrases, “when you go to a good wedding, of course they use jasmine rice, not sticky rice.”
Edwina considered this, then shook her head.
“Still no,” she said, “because I'm still going to have to be stepping in it, and I'm not having smushy rice under the five-inch heels I'm wearing on that day.”
“You know, that actually could be dangerous,” Gracie said.
“I'll say it can! What am I going to look like, in my haute couture dress specially made for me, in my five-inch heels living my best Bridezilla life on Papa's money –?”
Mrs. Thalia Ludlow, Edwina's grandmother, and Mrs. Maggie Lee, her big cousin, had held out until then, but then cracked up as Edwina's grandfather, Capt. R.E. Ludlow, put his head in his hands.
“I have George trying to be at the wedding at Niagara Falls wearing nothing but a barrel and getting ready to go over it in celebration over there, and Edwina planning her best Bridezilla life over here – Lord, please be merciful unto me, and my two middle grandchildren!” he said.
“But we already knew Edwina was going to be the most fashionable Bridezilla in Virginia!” Mrs. Ludlow said.
“On your money, Cousin Robert,” Mrs. Lee said. “Your soda company is going to expand and grow by leaps and bounds, or, you're going to sell it to someone who sees the potential and sit back in a money shower while it happens!”
“Well,” Capt. Ludlow said as he listened to his middle granddaughter describing what he was going to be paying for a decade and a half or so down the line, “praise the Lord and pass the carbonation, the high company valuation, and the regular mustard, because that child there does not need the chipotle mustard on her sandwich. She is spicy enough!”
“And beside, her sun dress is yellow and if she drops her sandwich, mustard will blend, but that chipotle orange?” Mrs. Lee said.
“Some things are not fashionable, cute, fun, or safe!” Mrs. Ludlow said.
And the two women were rolling again.
“It's funny to y'all because y'all are not having to pay for it,” he said.
“The perks of marrying a traditional, conservative Virginian man!” Mrs. Ludlow said, and high-fived with Mrs. Lee before dissolving into laughter again.
“We actually had jobs, but y'all!” Mrs. Lee said.
“Turned y'all into Bridezillas,” Capt. Ludlow said, but he was chuckling by then. “Well, it could be worse for me. At least Edwina and Grayson are getting along, so, we'll save on having Grayson build the marriage venue anywhere Edwina wants it out of the appropriately colored Legos for her wedding theme.”
“Cut those rental costs way down!” Mrs. Lee said.
“And Grayson's guarantee on everything he builds is PRICELESS!” Mrs. Ludlow said, and then all three adults started laughing.