Ever try zooming in on fixed lettering like a book or magazine the same way you do your phone?
I do that sometimes—try to enlarge text with the same thumb / finger combo I use to enlarge text on my phone only to realize it's a got dang magazine!
How embarrassing.
Looks around; side to side and behind right quick like I got a good racist joke..
...
I don't think anyone noticed, sweet! Reminder to self: magazines don't do that. Continued reading like nothing happened, is it ok to say that?
(Good racist joke)
Better than a bad one, I guess. iHeart shitty racist jokes said no one ever. To be fair, maybe they're neither good nor bad and to label it either / or is prejudice.
Suppose I could've just said joke with no adjectives. Definitely can't say gay joke. Or at least I'm pretty sure you can't say gay joke. I don't even think you can say happy joke without pissing off the gay community. I said off—o.f.f.
A couple letters are all that separate ha! / hate!
Fat's still socially acceptable in '24. They even made it cool depending how you spell it. We hardly ever see fat shaming in the headlines anymore anyway. Totally should've gone with fat—nice, descriptive, universally recognized adjective even white chicks and black dudes can agree on.
Good fat joke.
Alright, let's go with that. Forget everything I just said. From the top in three...
Two..
Ever try zooming in on fixed lettering like a book or magazine the same way you do your phone?
I do that sometimes—try to enlarge text with the same thumb / finger combo I use to enlarge text on my phone only to realize it's a got dang magazine!
How embarrassing.
Looks around; side to side and behind right quick like I got a good fat joke..
...
Where I'm from, ladies wear bikinis year round. In The South, they put bbq sauce on everything.
(Good call going with a not gay one)
So, anyway, I'm at the car dealership waiting while they service the car. Thumbing through a magazine, sipping coffee, flipped the page and saw off-road accessories. Zoomed in on available tire sizes before instantly recalling it's a got dang magazine with zoom resistant text! Looks around..
...
I don't think anyone noticed, sweet! Reminder to self: magazines don't do that. Continued reading like nothing happened when my phone vibrated. It's my wife.
Yeessssss?
I said quietly in seductive voice while avoiding drawing attention to myself cuz she might be in the mood and I hate missed opportunities.
False alarm.
She's at the market. Sounds urgent:
Hurry! I'm about to check out, can you think of anything we need from the store?!
I can. The baby needs meat. We call Atlas the baby, she's the year and half old German Shepherd Dog I haven't shut up about. We call her all kinda things: Biggest, Dudakis, WinerPants, so many I can't remember them all but she'll always be the baby. We have no kids. She's not a child, obviously, but when Pura or myself says 'the baby,' there's no confusion who we're talking about. So, anyway, she needs meat.
Turkey or beef only. Chicken and pork do unspeakable things to her.
That, and I need crackers but they're not actually called crackers, they're called golden rounds but no one calls them golden rounds, either, because they're store specific—Pura's there now. I'm a big fan of humus, like to keep a couple different flavors on standby and Rittz crackers suck! They're fragile like gen-z, humus kicks their ass every time. So, anyway, auto dealership.
There's about 10 of us in there waiting together in a customer waiting room designed to accommodate around 20 people max. It's not uncomfortable, just slightly crowded. Occasionally a mumbled conversation is overheard. One lady's reading a book, another's on her laptop, the rest are staring at their phone except one dude. He's taking notes.
= }
It's quiet. And white. Reeaaal white. You'll understand why that's significant in a minute. We're in The South right now. I've mentioned before how white it is here but white-white like Trump and Marjorie Taylor Greene procreated.
Zoomed in on tires, dammit!! It's a magazine! Hope no one saw me. Pura's calling.
Yeessssss?
Hurry! I'm about to check out, can you think of anything we need from the store?!
What I didn't realize was, when I said yeessssss all hush-hush, quiet and discriminate like that, it really aroused curiosity in the waiting room. They're paying extra close attention to me now, all 10 of them. I didn't know that..
...
Crackers and baby meat.
