The boss delivered me a new toy this week. A JCB S19 30E scissors lift. I think ever since I was a little lad, I have loved JCB's so finally I had one in the form of a hoist. Whether it's a hoist or a full blown digger I do not care. I am now a JCB driver and that's that. So some areas in my work are pretty high so the boss asked me to see how high the vehicle goes. Well the answer to that question is in it's name. A JCB S19 30E can ascend to 19 foot. But how high is our ceiling. Nobody bloody knows. 25 foot, 30 foot so see how far it goes towards the ceiling was my mission. That's fine I replied, I will do that later on and send you pictures.
There were some people working on it so I had the long wait until 4pm today to get my hands on the JCB again and test it out. But I wasn't singing and dancing about the idea. I don't mind heights like being at the top of the Eiffel tower or the Empire state, I would be fine. Walking around no problem. But I would not be peeping my head over the edge of these places either. I more have a fear of falling than a fear of heights. I remember as a child I was sitting on a wall over a building ledge and my fathers friend who was a giant came up behind me and pushed me off. He grabbed me again a second later but if he missed I would have fallen to my death so these days before I take a look over I always check to see if the fathers friend (who is now dead) is in the vicinity.
Now lately I have been trying to overcome the looking over the edge fear so I make it my business to have a look over the edge of any high places I tend to be as a task. Once I have the little look over I have conquered my niggle and feel good about myself.
So off I went to try out the new toy. The joystick is good. You can ride on or or off the hoist. The joystick has a drive mode and a lift mode which take some getting used to. The buttons on the top of the joystick are unfortunately not missile buttons. They are good old boring left and right. I have never controlled a joystick which the fire buttons are left and bloody right so it took a while to get out of Desert Strike mode and into JCB S19 30E mode which is as exciting.
So I learned how to drive the thing and transported myself like a captain of the ship to the place that had the highest ceiling in the Centre and then switched it to lift mode. Before I started the janitor made the final checks on the cage that was holding me in. I felt like Neil Armstrong just before liftoff with his team around him doing the various safety checks. Janitor gave me the thumbs up and I was ready for lift off. I pressed forward on my joystick and nothing. People looked worried. So I tipped back on it and hey presto I started to rise like a phoenix from the flames. I stayed away from the edge as much as you can in a hoist. Up and up I went until it would not go any further. But the stall made it wobble and I immediately regretted my decision. I did not think it would be wobbly up at 19 feet but it was so I tried to stay completely still so the wobble would iron itself out.
I got my security guard to take photos of how far the hoist went and I took a photo myself of the skyline from where I was at. Now I knew what some of the lads felt on top of Everest. Nice view and all that but the weather is closing in and I wanted to get down.
I pushed the joystick forward and the JCB S19 30e let me down like a shitcoin in a bear market. Within seconds I was on the ground again feeling good about my life. What fear of heights I said to myself while I blew the tiles a little kiss.
Am I scared of heights? I do not know. I guess I am. I had no problem going up but I wasn't doing the Riverdance on the top let me tell you. I look at the Irish men in New York building the skyscrapers and those famous photos of them having lunch on a metal beam and it gives me the willies.
Imagine being them. And here's me going on about a 20ft hoist. I took my dad to a match recently and we were in the top tier. He was shitting himself and I never knew he was afraid of heights. It's seen as a bit not masculine if you have a fear of heights and I don't know why. They say if you are a builder you will get used to it but I'm not sure if I could work on something with a risk of falling to my death every day.
Sometimes I have dreams of being clumsy and falling from a height. On my way down I say to myself "you stupid fucking idiot" for getting into the predicament in the first place. All the hippies will tell me what falling in a dream will signify anxiety or stress. But it's amazing in a dream the feeling of falling from a massive height. I did a bungee jump ( yep don't say it) once and it's the same feeling as the dream. That is mad shit.
Over the years I have found way more people who have a fear of heights but deny it. Not many have a fear and admit it. "I'm not good with heights" is the normal warning just before we plummet down a track on a rollercoaster. Peer pressure really gets people doing things they don't want to. I have no problem saying it bu wondering if many people on Hive feel the same.