"I ain't never seen a cat on a leash before."
I find myself in an interesting position in life. I am 34, living with my parents, wearing an ankle monitor while out on bail, and I am awaiting a felony jury trial the day before Halloween. I am overweight with a beer belly, going bald or I am rather, and I have a small penis. I have some close friends, most only through memories and facebook (NO I will not capitalize you facebook). But I completely love myself and where my life is. It doesn't sadden me that many consider me a failure or a delinquent or worse. That's on you to judge me without fully knowing me. I have been through my past so I can approach my future.
Some of my history:
My parents divorced when I was two years old and my mom moved me and my sister to El Paso where we were raised. We came every summer to Louisiana to see the cousins that we barely knew. They were so close and we were just the "new kids" during the summer. Then we would go back to El Paso, to a school where I was one of a handful of white kids. To make matters worse, I made the best grades, played in the band, and won all of the awards. Well not all, but a lot. Science fairs, spelling bee one time, student of the year a couple, literary rally a couple times. And I got picked on, ganged up on, because I was the pinche gringo. It made me who I am though.
We finally moved back to Louisiana the middle of my eighth grade year. What a culture shock that was! The first day of school for me, a kid asks in the middle of class, "You play any sports?" "Hockey and Soccer" I replied. "Mmmm, we ain't got them sports 'round here." Yep, I was off to a great start. To say that I didn't have anything in common with a lot of people that made up my "peers" is an understatement.
I ended up going to six high schools because my parents couldn't quite get their act together, or they just did it to torment me. As each high school year passed by, my grades began to drop, I cared less about academics and more about fitting in. I smoked a lot of pot, went to parties that I think are pretty lame now, and didn't cultivate that one thing we never lose, my inner spirit. My kingdom within.
I went to the school I graduated from for only the latter six months. And I gave a speech at graduation! How does that work, when someone gets expelled one year and gives a speech at graduation the next at a completely different school? Lol. I actually just did laugh out loud, well more like chuckle. Not one of those grab your sides kind of laugh. It was because I was great at math and made the state literary rally (think a bunch of high school kids take the same test and finish it 1st, 2nd, 3rd) I had won our district, North Louisiana, three years in a row. Not tooting my own horn here, just telling a story.
I joined the military after high school, got married, deployments to Iraq, had kids, got a divorce, got out of the military, went to college for engineering, dropped out, and now I am where I started this blog entry. And I am exactly where I ought to be.
My life couldn't be more perfect. Well, it could, but then I wouldn't be me now would I. I have finally, at the ripe old age of 34, embraced the fact that I think differently. I have always felt I was destined to do something in this world, contribute some kind of good to this world, but I felt a constant pull to do as society would have me do. Get a degree, get a job, now buy things you don't need to keep up with the status quo. I was very unhappy. Until June 23rd, 2015. My life changed that day. I changed.
If you have read my earlier blog post, you have an idea what I am talking about. See, I think we are all destined to do great things. For some, it may be writing a book, for others, raising responsible free-thinking adults. For everyone though, it is listening to their inner heart, tuning out the world around you, to hear the vibrations within. It wasn't until I could do this that I found my true path at that time. The powerful statement that I made. On the outside, it has wrecked me, but on the inside, I know who I am and the content of my soul.
So I leave you with this, you brave ones for continuing to read. Embrace your inner nerd, your inner child, your inner poet, your inner musician. Listen, their is a universe within us if we could only listen. Sitting in solitary confinement was some of the happiest times of my life. The places that our minds can take us is absolutely amazing. We shall never lose that if we cultivate that, if we practice. And it is at this point in time that I feel like a hypocrite because since I have been out of jail, I haven't cultivated my inner me. I am on the internet, reading news, bitcoin, playing games, and just being the same lemming of society that I freed myself from while locked up. I know the struggle.
If this resonates with you, then you will have this feeling your whole life. It will rise and fall, but it will be there unless you allow it to guide you down the hardest paths. It is God, however you define god, tapping you on the shoulder going, pss, I have better plans for you. This way.
This post is more for myself than for the few that will read it.
Meditate and free you mind, Morgan.