Is there a better day to talk about relationships than Valentine.s?
Well, any other day :) because Valentine.s day is about pleasant romantic activities, high hopes, big dreams, sometimes bold decisions; thinking and talking about relationships can really be mood killer; but in some point in time it has to be done if one want to support those hopes and dreams to come true.
In this post I wrote some explanations about different types of love, which we usually put in context of some sort of relationship but those two have their different life cycles and are not necessary in a relationship ;)
In short, love is: cognitive, emotional and behavioral set toward other person.
That means it includes generally positive evaluation of some person, acceptance, respect, trust, empathy, care, support, tolerance, devotion, accountability, openness/sharing/intimacy; it also includes happiness, sadness, fear, anger, disappointments; if positive set overpowers unpleasant set love will last.
Millions of words have been written and spoken, millions of hours of psychotherapy, about relationships, problems and how to overcome them, so this post is not about that. It is just a reminder how relationships are important in our lives, whether good or bad ones, because of the way they affect our wellbeing and change us.
Apart from family relations, that are a priori given to us, other types of relations/relationships we can choose: work relations, friends, partners.
Family relations in early childhood are most important for how will person understand what love is and how will express it in different relations. One is learning from parents/caregivers how to behave in relations with others, including partners. And here we come to the “tell me something about your mother” joke :)
Beside deeply rooted scripts that are on the subconscious level, our personality traits determine who we like or dislike as a potential coworker, friend or partner- preferred interest areas, attitudes, values, moral principles, physical appearance, sense of humor... On the other side, there are personal characteristics that determine whether we actually can be in satisfying relationship with someone, specially when we talk about so called romantic relationship.
RR term is used with different meanings, can refer to those based just on sexual attraction, passion or love or utility or fear (different kinds) or some combination of given; simply put, a person with a partner is in RR (different from a usual, colloquial use of the word romantic).
If we focus on those based on love, why some of them cannot stand the test of time?
Simple answer would be that Sometimes love just ain.t enough
It is different to love someone as a person and as a partner.
Having more than one friend gives us possibility to fulfill our needs distributing them according to those friends` characteristics: with someone we will go to parties, with some we.ll have meaningful conversations about our interests, with some we will discuss emotional issues...
Having more than one partner is for most people unacceptable; we want all in one (so far I haven.t seen that kind of match) or at least as much as possible in one :), someone who will fulfill our sexual, emotional, intellectual, social needs. Someone with whom we can feel free to be ourselves, safe, respected...When our needs are neglected, deprived, frustration starts to grow, we start to feel trapped. If the person (couple) does not find constructive solutions, love is starting to fade until it becomes pale shadow; what is left are inner and external conflicts, words and actions that are hurting partner (sometimes on purpose, in many cases just as collateral of a person trying to save herself and provide fulfillment of its needs).
Ofc, ending of some relationship does not have to be very dramatic and love-killer, it can just be that priorities and how one person sees the future have changed in a way that other person cannot accept.
Loving someone and sharing (everyday) life are different things and all of you who do or did live with someone for a longer time know that. The process of adaptation to another person and reconciling business and private obligations and priorities can be quite challenging. Romantic relationship requires nurture of love as described above, time and effort, to be satisfying. If one does not search for a “perfect” partner hoping for “perfect” relationship, chances to find suitable partner are not bad :)
Enemies of love and relationship are narcissism, selfishness, egocentrism, fear, toxic communication, emotional impairment, unhealed past trauma, unrealistic expectations, wrong must and have to beliefs, active forcing other person to change...
As a conclusion, Carrie Bradshaw quote about relationships:
There are those who open you up for something new and exotic
Those that are old and familiar
Those that bring up lots of questions
Those that bring you somewhere unexpected
Those that bring you far from where you started
But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself
Although simplified and glamorous, all-Hollywood, series is not that shallow as may appear at first sight; it posts good questions and give examples of different kind of relationships, showing why they failed or succeed.
And yes, the most significant relationship is with yourself; you can avoid all other people but can.t run away from yourself. Ofc, one can try but no matter how much food, drugs, illusions, virtual reality...someone puts in body and mind, "demons" will still be inside, until faced and treated in adequate way.
The way one treats him/herself influence all other relationships.
At the end, Strangers in the night scenario for all (hopeless) romantics :)
Bonus: Love song for a vampire that lost his head over relationship beyond space and time ;)
and Adam & Eve two lovers in a relationship for hundreds of years :wow: :heart: :)
Happy Valentine.s Day!