Monday morning, I pulled three cards from my Inner Guidance Card Deck to help me find what I needed to face actually quitting my very secure part time teaching job I've held for the last fifteen years. Some of you might recall me talking about the end of my career - I'd made the psychological decision to quit after much anguish and deliberation, but I still had the last leap - telling both the principal and my head of department, the former in an email and the latter in a conversation. Whilst the decision had been made in my heart, saying out aloud and getting the ball rolling to actually burn this bridge was nerve wracking. We're into Week 6 of Term 3 here and although I only need to give a month's notice, morally I wanted to do the right thing so that they had time to advertise my position. I couldn't really delay it any longer, and I needed to get the party started for the rest of my life, however terrifying that might be.
And so, the cards. Rational, scientific thinkers might say they're a lot of hippy rubbish - how might a deck of cards know just what you need when you mind think into the bowl in which they are scattered? But I've had this deck for fifteen years now and they've never stopped helping me organise my thoughts and give me a little clarity. Sometimes they make me laugh (asking how I might make up with my husband after a fight, the card with SEX found it's way into my hand) but more often that not, they offer little gems, little ways to think about a situation or a dilemma.
Last week, suffering painful tendonitis, I got the cards 'REST' and 'WAIT'. And I smiled, and got on with resting, and waiting to heal. 'The cards had spoken', I said to my husband, using it as an excuse to not participate in his frenzied cleaning of the house. Of course, I didn't have to obey the cards at all. Yet, when I leaned in to what my body needed, it was resting and waiting to heal after all. It wasn't advice I could ignore.
This time, I asked the cards to give me a little guidance in a super big task I had to do. All weekend I worried about officially handing in my resignation.
Was I doing the right thing?
Would we be financially okay?
Was this my only chance to have a steady, reliable and quite good income?
Who was I if I wasn't a teacher?
What would come next?
How would I get intellectual stimulation?
Was my husband really okay with being the sole breadwinner?
Should I be more grateful for having a good job when others didn't?
Was I leaving on a selfish whim or truly leaning in to my heart's desires?
Monday, in asking the bowl of cards how to approach my resignation, I received cards:
Face the Situation
Take the Risk
What You Resist, Persists
Now of course I could apply these words to many situations, but that's not what I was focussing upon. What mattered was to meditate upon how the phrases applied to this situation. It was telling me to woman up and to take a leap, and that delaying the decision wasn't going to help at all. The more I resisted flow - what I truly desired - the worse things were going to get. And truly, what did I really have to lose?
So it came to be that I emailed my head of department for an appointment that very day, and within minutes of our meeting, I informed her of my decision to leave.
In other words, I put on my big girl's blouse.
The sky hasn't fallen down - yet. Everyone's happy for me, amazed at my courage, and quite a bit jealous that I'm able to do this.
On Monday night, I returned the cards to the bowl, and heaved a sigh of relief.
Now it begins.
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