I was in bed with @simba and we were making out as usual when all of a sudden I froze. I couldn't move a limb or answer his worried questions. My entire body was shaking and all I could do was curl up to a fetus position and cry. Wisely, he gave me space and waited for me react again. "What was that?" He asked. "I have no idea" I said, still shocked from what just happened. "Can I hug you?" He asked, knowing I hate it when I cry and dislikes a comforting touch when that happens. "No" I said, "I was terrified that you would touch me. I don't get it, why would I be afraid of you or that?"
Took me a while to realize what my mind graciously blocked out for almost 9 years and the depths of the destruction. After freezing in bed, I connected the points—I heard it happens to rape victims. A few months earlier, after reading a post that talking about sexual assault even with no penetration, I stopped and turned to my husband. "I… I think I was sexually assaulted. That story I told you about the douchebag in the club. But, they say some have PTSD from it and I don't have it, so, I'm OK, so it doesn't matter, it happened a long time ago". At least, I thought I was.
First, freezing in bed wasn't enough.
It freaked me out and me realize I may have PTSD but I didn't even know when to start and didn't happen again in a while so I forgot all about it. My body had other plans. About 6 months after the first time I froze, it happened again. Then again a month later, a week later I got a public anxiety attack when I took a simple cab ride. The situation alone (alone in the cab with a mail driver on a highway) reminded me of the time a cub driver "just" harassed me and my body reacted yelling danger as much my mind tried to yell that nothing is going on, this driver isn't asking me to see him naked, only where to go. After the anxiety attack passed and I cooled down, I went to work. I always took pride in being emotionally repressed. It keeps me logical, emotions are for children. However, I couldn't control tears streaming down my eyes. Luckily I had a personal office so I could shut in and wipe my tears so that I won't get caught showing feelings. I couldn't understand how my body didn't listen to my mind – oh, the betrayal!
I couldn't deny it any longer.
I needed help. Fast. Feeling like a wreck, I asked a friend who lives nearby for a recommendation on a psychologist. Embarrassed and sure that I'm losing my mind, I started treatment. Being ADD, I tend to get obsessed over new things and that was a whole new world to explore. I read everything I could from every source I could. When I wasn't reading about it, I was thinking about what happened to me 9 years ago and what happened since- how and where it affected me. I learnt that I have complex PTSD, starting from my childhood (link to intro) and that made me prone to develop PTSD from "minor" sexual assaults. Opening the can of worms in my mind, I realized that like many other rape survivors, I recreated these situations and got hurt again along the years. Apparently, it is very common to completely avoid/fear sex or develop a sex addiction/work in the sex industry (emotionally detached). Naturally, being a woman with a sex addiction that goes to fetish clubs, swingers and flings, I was more prone to hurt myself again- and so I have. Self- harm is too very common.
PTSD is a collection of symptoms.
Main two being anxiety & depression but there are so many other symptoms that paint our lives black. Denial was going strong for 9 years so I had to check what happened to my personality since that night. I couldn't remember going home, crying in a steamy shower. I probably acted as usual. However, all of a sudden I moved to the big city, switched jobs (couldn't stay there another minute), switched friends, did my 2nd tattoo, stopped drawing and reading and was in an abusive relationship, didn't talk about the assault but wondered why it keeps floating in my mind as I kept saying it was nothing)- all signs.
Digging in the past and flashbacks brought depression into my life
Anxiety attacks happened almost every week or more, leaving me exhausted and unbalanced for 3 days at a time. I couldn't focus, work, sleep, eat, anything. Touch became unbearable and my husband couldn't put his hand on my shoulder without me jumping and getting stressed out. Freezing in bed pretty much at that frequency took its toll on my sex life. From a porn star level I was reduced to a virgin. Lying passive, with my eyes closed, trying to breathe in order to calm herself down, ignoring tears she feels at the corner of her eyes. Then, completely detached, I felt nothing when he touched me. As if it was a platonic touch or not touched at all. As you can imagine, I was losing hope.
Then this one time...
A facebook friend sent me to like a page of someone who wrote a book on being falsely accused of rape. I couldn't take it. I was filled with rage. I know of so many who have been attacked and haven't filed a complaint and those who did, it got closed under "lack of public interest". Later on, in closed groups, 3 other women said he used the rape drug on them. The injustice of it all was too much for me to take. I got out of my passiveness and started punching and kicking the wall, my husband never saw me like this. I never saw myself like this. It is then when I decided to fight back. That I will not let "them" win. If people like that will crush our spirit, darkness will in and I do not want to live in a world of darkness.
With the help of my loving husband, friends and family that sprinkle me with fairy dust
I slowly climbed out of depression and trying to keep it outside my walls, but not without giving room to feelings. My husband became my emotional support more than ever while taking control of the house when I'm triggered. Friends lend their ears or hearts and my family still pays for my psychologist. Gathering information like a soldier going for war, I prepared tools for every possible situation.
You can see my powerkit for anxiety & depression, here: https://steemit.com/life/@rainbowdash/my-powerkit-for-living-with-depression-and-anxiety-part-1
I am now slowly reconnecting with myself
Every day is a battle. Every time I go out to the world, open the computer or climb in bed with my loving husband, my mind is in a battlefield. Some days are good, some days are bad but I will get through. I will not let these guys burr my soul. My voice will shine and so will I.
To all of you who have been through a sexual assault or suffer from PTSD
You are not alone. There are many out there like us, we all know how lost and lonely we feel when it hits us. Talk about it. We are a tight community that helps each other. If there isn't one near you, create it. Be the change.