There is nothing quite like having long term depression, it's almost impossible to explain to someone who hasn't experienced it, but a stray glance when you are caught of guard can convey the sheer hopeless emptiness to someone who has in a split second .
A little under 2 years ago I was stuck in a particularly bad low, not as bad as some of the spells I've had over the last 23 years, but I was fighting a losing battle everyday i could feel myself sinking lower and none of my usual coping techniques where helping.
But then I met Sophie. (look how beautiful she is)
I was mindlessly scrolling through facebook when Sophie appeared on my screen, sparks flew I was instantly in love with her. The link was to a week by week crochet pattern called Sophie's Universe my heart sank i knew i was useless, that I'd never be one of those magical beings that create such beauty with just a bit of wool and a hook. Every sunday a new update appeared more beautiful than the last, I started asking my friends who could crochet how much it would cost to have it made £300 - £400. I was out of options i'd have to try to forget about her or try to make her.
It was time to get stubborn.
I spent £50 i couldn't really afford on yarn and a hook and sat watching youtube tutorials for 3 days, every time my negative self wanted to give up I looked at pictures of sophie held a ball of wonderfully soft yarn in my hand, I could almost see myself curled up on the sofa with the children drinking hot chocolate. By the end of the 3 days I had 11 odd looking granny squares and one glorious beauty (that in hindsight actually looked like the cat had chewed some yarn and spat it out) I was so proud of myself yet my negative self kept insisting I was useless.
"I'll just try and get to part 4" I told myself
Over the next week my sophie started to grow, one day I spent 2 hours in tears unravelling the work i had done berating myself for making a stupid mistake I wanted to quit. I calmed myself down picked my hook back up until Sophie looked like this.
The whole family started cheering me on
Every stitch improved on the last. I wasn't useless anymore
It took 4 months to reach the last stitch!
I had achieved something I thought was incapable of.
And now every time I feel useless I sit on the sofa with the children, drinking hot chocolate wrapped up in my permanent reminder that I can do anything I set my mind to when i get stubborn.
Thanks for reading
Phoe xx
PS The crochet didn't stop there I'm now working on my own afghan pattern. I've published the pattern for the central motif here on steemit.
https://steemit.com/crochet/@phoenixmaid/alice-motif-crochet-pattern-us-terms-skill-level-confident-intermediate-advanced