Is anyone out there?
I want a place where I can talk about what I want, when I want ... and not be judged. I link my blog in my youtube videos and my Instagram pages, but I dont talk about it often.
Am I getting off track?
I have 56 subscribers on my youtube. Thats 56 people who decided at some point of stumbling onto my channel and maybe decided "hey, this is cool, I want more" thats 56 people more then I have in my personal bubble. I dont even know 56 people. But 56 people subscribe to my youtube channel.
Yall, I'm stuck. I dont know if its the pressure I get from other influences and comparing myself to them, if it's covid anxiety or just life in general.
I am a busy mom with a toddler. I dont have many hobbies and I think im still struggling with the death of my dad from 2 years ago. I go up and down, anxiety wise and weight. I struggle with so much but feel like I'm trying to be someone I'm NOT. This needs to stop.
I'm quitting vlogmas. 5 days in. Why? Because noone watches them. I have 56 subscribers. I should get 56 views? No. Thats not correct. Someone with 10k subscribers only gets 1.5k views. ...I'd be happy with 30.
I'm not quitting because filming, editing and uploading is too hard or time consuming.. I'm quiting because I'm comparing myself to others, beating myself up and not taking constructive criticism the way I should be taking it. Noone seems to care what my toddler and I ate for dinner or lunch, that my toddler said the word "apple" or that I put make up on for the 1st time in months.
I have posted 6 videos in 3 days? And have privated 5 of them.
"Quality over quantity" - David 2020
I want quality. Quality videos (with what I have) time spent on editing and learning and educating myself more on the facts of editing. Quality.
I think that's the mindset I will have going forward. This Sunday as I'm sitting in my bathtub typing this while my toddler naps and my anxiety is THRU THE ROOF. I decided to change it. Once again. But isn't change good somtimes? Somtimes you really need to just... change the furniture, change the mash up of life, type like noone fucking knows you or cares.
Monday 10am - vlog from the previous week
Thursday 10am - plant/wine/lifestyle
Friday 10am - minute long informative
That's my schedule. 3 times a week. Putting QUALITY work into the videos and into the editing. Making myself proud, putting in the effort and researching as much as possible.
Sometimes in life you need to:
& be happy for what you create. Be happy for the things you have & the memories you make.
Check out Merlot Mama on YouTube
& merlotmamasplantstagram on instagram
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