This Time I Know It's For Real


Daddy?! Daddy?? Help! I think one of my fish is dead??

The Little Lady yowled from the corner of her room as if one of her fish had died.

What's that, lass?

I stared at my phone screen on which the Hive Price was climbing majestically out of the crypto sludge, like James Bond coming out of the sea in Casino Royale.

One of my fish, Daddy. It's not moving?! Help!

There was a noise like someone falling down to the ground stricken by grief and panic.

Or it could have been the central heating pipes.

I tried to turn to face my beloved daughter but my eyes were glued to the screen of my phone like cat's testicles to fly-paper.

On it, the Hive Price kept climbing and climbing. It had hit the fabled dollar fiddy and showed no signs of stopping.

At this rate, we would be looking at multi-dollar hive.

I tried to imagine life with Hive at 3, 4 or even 5 dollars. My testicles ached at the thought of the moustachioed Lady-Minxes who would be pestering me on Discord like the last time Hive mooned.

There were only so many unsolicited and unplucked booty pics a man could take before his sanity crumbled like lepers fingers when kneading dough.

Even a man such as myself.


Reluctantly, I pulled myself away from charts and turned to stare at my daughter who was attempting the fine art of fish-scooping with one hand.

I admired her bravery at putting any appendage in the death soup that was our fish tank. Deep down, I worried sometimes that our fish tank was actually fish hell and that bad fish were sent to it to die.

No way was I sticking something in there and it wasn't often that such words crossed my lips.

Darling, darling. Never mind the fish. The Hive price is rocking!

I got down on my knees so I could look her in the eye.

But Daddy, my fish?

Lass, ignore the fish. Ignore it!! I. Hive is mooning. I will buy you a shark! Maybe even a whale. I will buy you ALL the fish. No marine animal will be too good for my daughter!

I leapt to my feet and whirled around in a merry dance.

But Daddy, how will we fit a whale in this house? Whales are gigantic?!

The Little Lady looked around at the walls of the room as if they were going to magically peel back and expose a fantastical Hive-powered funhouse.

I stopped whirling like a madman.

Lass. Never mind the house. Now that Hive is mooning, we will burn it. BURN IT TO THE GROUND!! We can buy a new house, with a tank for a Whale and a Porch for Daddy to sit on with his gun ready to shoot at no-good varmints whilst he smokes a pipe!

I sighed happily. The good times truly were a-coming.

But Daddy, what about the last time we burnt the house down because Hive Mooned? We had to live in a ditch when the price came tumbling straight down after.

I shrugged away her non-believing fears and sneaked a glance over at my phone. The price had crept up a few more cents.

Not this time lass. This time, I know it's for real.

A smile cracked open across my face as Donna Summer trilled her hit song in my head.

I had always liked Donna Summer. Perhaps with the Hive Moon, I could finally marry her? She had been dead for ages but that was fine, nothing a bit of Duct tape couldn't sort out.

Good job I had a rubbish sense of smell.

I went off to get the matches for the burning.

C'mon the Hive!

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