Did something just happen??
The Good Lady called out from where she lay splayed on her Yoga mat like a badly spatchcocked chicken.
Daddy-Bear? Was that the door? There was a strange noise.
Reluctantly, she peeled herself up from upward muck crab or whatever bizarrely named Yoga position she had been in and looked at the door to the hall uncertainly.
TADA!!!!
I crashed through the door shaking a large Amazon box in my hands as if it were a dog attacking a defenceless old man.
Jesus, holy shit?!
The Good Lady snapped backwards with fright like a severed tendon.
You gave me a scare there, you git. What is that you have anyway? I didn't know we were buying anything.
She looked suspiciously at the package which, although not glowing with a demonic light, gave off an aura of stark menace.
Oh, you mean this? This little thing?
I tossed the box from hand to hand as if it wasn't something unholy and smoking with profane energy.
This my dear will change everything. EVERYTHING! MOHOHOHWAHR!
I cackled like a bald man rubbing a cat's belly.
Oh, it's one of those things, is it?
She turned back to the TV and unpaused Adrienne something or other who was on the screen doing Yoga with a dog.
I curled my lip up in disgust. Why was this Adrienne woman on our screen, she wasn't even in the slightest bit hot. Maybe that was why she had the dog? Maybe it was her wingman.
I snapped out of it and poked at the Good Lady indignantly with my toe.
Hey, quit the Yoga for ten seconds man. Don't you want to see it?
I gave the flaps of the box a little teasing tear to get it warmed up for the opening.
Uff, ok then. What is this thing that will change everything?
She could almost have sounded bored but I forgave her. Like Jesus, in many ways, I had great depths for those I loved. And great mercy.
I showed some of that now and rested a hand piously on her head.
I forgive you my child.
I closed my eyes for a moment and raised them heavenward.
Oh for God's sake, can you just open the box and show me the thing so I can get back to my Yoga, please?
She diced with death like a poker player raising on the flop against the Devil Fish.
I nodded, she was ready.
Majestically I ripped the cardboard box in two with the mannity of a handsome bastard and pulled the contents into one hand like a gentleman juggler of a bygone age.
BEHOLD... The SOUL TAKER!
I flicked the plastic wrap off of the device in my hands and it glittered with cold malice in my hands.
What the heck is that, an old-fashioned radio or something?
The Good Lady sounded confused, like a Lebanese Pianist.
What? A radio? No? No! It's the SOUL TAKER!! Can't you see?
I pressed a button on the device's side and it lurched into life, a sickening ultraviolet glare spilling from its infernal edges.
Ew. Is it some kind of bad torch?
Once more the Good Lady danced with death and the pale horse he rode in on.
No you big fucking meanie. It's the SOUL TAKER!
She still looked confused.
Oh fine, it's a fucking bug killer. You know, the electrocuty ones?
I mimed being a stupid bug being killed to death by electricity which just made me look like a man sucking a Fishermans Friend. Oh. Oh... I don't know if I like the idea of that. Where do the dead bugs go? She grimaced, her namby-pamby hippy love of all things living stretching even to those winged evil biters that lurked in the wan sun of a Summers evening in Scotland. There is a tray, they get zapped, fall into the soul tray then get put in the bin. I chuckled merrily, imagining emptying the tray of thousands of souls every single day. CRACK!! We both jumped at the thunderous zap that had sounded from the luridly lit device. A small black thing tumbled down into the soul tray. I looked at the device in awe and fell to the ground. And lo, the first soul is TAKEN! The Good Lady muttered something that sounded suspiciously like for fuck sake. I ignored her and laughed manically. All hail the SOUL TAKER!
No, not a salty sea-faring penis but a peculiar sweet beloved by old smokers in the UK as it was strong enough to cut through the layers of tar coating their filthy mouths.
