Daddy, can we use your telescope to look at the stars tonight?
The Little-Lady gazed at me earnestly.
Hmmm, hold on, lass.
I flicked my phone out like a cool seventies Captain Kirk and checked the weather. It was all clear for tonight. Bugger.
The Little Lady had asked several times lately for us to use my old telescope to look at the stars. However, the giant grey cloud that shroud the Scottish isles day and night had been reluctant to give us the opportunity.
Till now.
The night was cloudless. A perfect night for stargazing.
There was only one problem.
I fucking hated stargazing.
Don't get me wrong. In principle, I love it. Who wouldn't love the idea of plumbing the depths of the night sky like some kind of Italian sky ninja?
But in Scotland, it is bloody freezing at night and in winter, even more so. When I first got my telescope I literally died of hypothermia several times.
Also, I had been hoping that the kids would go to bed early tonight so that the Good Lady could wear her special arse padding and finally give me my long overdue Christmas Twerky.
I couldn't help but smile at the thought of some nighttime Nikki Minaj.
I put away my phone and hunkered down on my knees to look the Little Lady square in the eye.
Before I could say anything, her face fell.
Oh, Daddy, please! You know I have been wanting to look through the telescope for AGES. You said that we would be able to see the craters on the moon! You said we might even be able to see Jupiter and the rings of Saturn?
Her face shone with anguish.
I nodded slowly.
This was it then. This was like in all those movies where the main character has to do something which causes a huge rift in the multiverse.
If I chose wrongly then the walls of reality could come crashing down. One minute, I could be the saviour of the night sky or if I chose differently, I could be getting all Detroit with my manaconda before sinking into a blissful sleep the likes of which no man could explain to an outsider.
It was a stark choice.
Minajery was a rare thing when you had two children who refused to sleep properly... Could I let down the little lady just for some Uptown Funk?
I gazed at her anxious little face and my nethers twinged at the thought of standing out in the garden with the frost and the night sky for an hour when I could be inside with wine and Twerky.
Truly, a Hobson's choice if there was one.
It was time to get tough. Time to choose.
Alright, lass. I will set it up. Tonight will be a night for the STARS!
The Little Lady jumped up and down, squealing with excitement.
Inwardly, I let out a heartfelt sigh. One day, I will get a medal for this. Or a shag. I would settle for a shag.
