I would like to welcome you all to our very first Lean Coffee Meeting!
Chirped Fanny-Pad* as he looked around the table where we had gathered.
*Fanny-Pad of course, being a Scottish slang term for a lady's feminine hygiene towel.
Fanny-Pad was an excitable chap. He had been bought in to invigorate our Testing practices. The Lean Coffee Meeting the first of no doubt many tricks up his consultant'y sleeve.
I looked around at the motley crew he had assembled. There were eight of us. The cream of the crop. If cream meant bored and fidgety.
Being lunchtime everyone looked a bit grumpy, myself included.
I have set this up as a weekly meeting and guys, I really mean this, this is a creative space. Anything goes, so feel free to let rip and bounce ideas around to see what we come up with!
He rocked back and forth, smiling, as if he had a string running from his penis to one of his ankles.
No-one spoke.
Anyone want to kick off?
Grinned Fanny-Pad enthusiastically. He was bouncing slightly now.
One of the guys beside me, Jimmy Two-Ways, grunted and woke up with a start.
He looked around, confused, before slowly dropping his head back down on to his chest.
Fanny-Pad, undaunted, carried on.
Let me kick things off then. So. One of the things that is most important in the Test arena is... Oh sorry, yes?
He paused in his spiel when he saw me raise my hand.
Just a minor point... This is a Lean Coffee Meeting, you say?
Fanny-Pad positively glowing with pride.
Yes, the very first and hopefully...
He looked around playfully, his eyes bright.
Not the last!! Boom boom!
He mimed hitting a shitty drum as if he had told a hilarious joke.
Someone laughed nervously then coughed in embarrassment.
Where's the coffee then?
Said I, addressing the colossal brown Elephant in the room.
Fanny-Pad faltered, his smile slipping slightly.
Sorry, I beg your pardon?
He said.
I do love my coffee. It is lunchtime. So, if this is a coffee meeting, where is the coffee?
I smiled endearingly as if fondling a dog's bottom.
Someone else made a rumbling noise which could have been approval. Or snoring.
Fanny-Pad looked bewildered as if I had asked him if he liked mice.
We don't have coffee?
He said hesitantly.
Oh.
I said in a disappointed Father kind of way.
It was figurative?
He said defensively, his voice becoming decidedly high-pitched.
I hoisted myself to my feet with a sigh.
I've been sold a pup. I'm off, I've got work to do.
I made for the door.
We can get coffee next week!
Squeaked Fanny-Pad desperately.
I laughed like a pirate in a storm.
See you next week then!