Daddy, can we have our doughnuts now?
The Little Lady whined in a voice that made it sound as if she were an orphan used to eating soup made with feet skin.
For the gabillionth time, lass. We are having the doughnuts when we get to the waterfall?!
I tried my best not to snap a branch from a tree and beat her with it whilst screaming ENOUGH WITH THE FUNKING DOUGHNUTS!?!?!?
It was my fault. I had lured the kids out on a walk with the promise of seeing a waterfall at the end of it. Given that it was seven fucking degrees celcius outside and slightly rainy, they hadn't been that keen.
So I had had the most splendid idea of bribing them with doughnuts from the local artisan doughnut shop.
Daddy. Can ee av doughnuts now?
The Little Boom said with the expectant grin of a three-year-old who hasn't had his hopes and dreams crushed out of him yet.
I tried not to throw him down the hill.
We will get the doughnuts when we get to the waterfall, ok? Now, keep up!
I stormed on up the little windy path into the hills.
The waterfall was in the hills on the outskirts of Barrhead, which the locals pronounced Borrheed. It was a shitty part of Glasgow but it was worth coming out this way to see it. The waterfall that is, not Borrheed. In summer you could even go swimming in the pool at the bottom of it as long as you didn't mind hypothermia and leeches.
I looked down at the grubby houses below. My old dad used to say there was nothing in Barrhead but hoors and crooks. I sidled up to the Good Lady.
Nothin but hoors and crooks down there.
I confided in her quietly so the kids wouldn't hear. I let out a joyful sniff knowing that perhaps somewhere, somehow, my dad was bursting with pride that I was keeping the flame burning.
Is there much further to go, Daddy-Bear? The kids are getting really tired. Why don't we stop for a rest and have the doughnuts?
The Good Lady tried to sound reasonable but I could smell her inner fatty getting its chops wet at the thought of the artisan doughnuts in my bag.
No doughnuts till we get to the waterfall.
I said grimly, casting an eye over the reprobates that were my family.
Look! The witches tree, it really isn't far now!
Then the rain started coming down in earnest. We sheltered under a stunted bush and gazed out at the grim greyness the day had become. Suddenly, I looked about me.
Hey, where's the Little Boom?
I caught a glimpse of him trudging away from us into the rain.
Dude, where are you going? Come back!
I yodelled at him through the murk.
Want doughnuts!
He yelled back.
Come back, little man. We will have the bloody doughnuts!
I harrumphed and started to fish the doughnuts out of my bag.
Daddy, after the doughnuts, can we go home? Pleeeeeeaase?? The rain is really heavy.
The Little Lady pulled out the big eyes and held her hands up pleadingly.
The Little Boom arrived back and I started giving out the doughnuts. He took the one I handed him and looked at me, his eyes too expanding into big beggy orbs.
He took a big bite of his billionaire's shortcake doughnut and spoke, crumbs flying everywhere.
Daddy, can ee go home after the doughnuts?
He looked at me pleadingly as did the rest of my lazy bastard doughnut obsessed family.
A big splob of water landed on my head from the bush above.
I sighed in defeat.
Fucking doughnuts.