Digging Up Potatoes


Halt right there!

The policeman yelled as he screeched his mountain bike to a juddering stop in front of me.

Yes, Ossifer. How may I be of assistance?

I took the cigarette from my mouth and flicked it into the road to my left with a whiplike snap that a conquistador changing a nappy would have been proud of.

Covid curfew. No one is allowed on the streets after eight.

The police officer barked.

He had a rough manner about him. As if he were the kind of fellow who dug up potatoes and played at penis-wives with them in his cold lonely flat.

I snorted and reached into my back pocket and pulled out my passport.

No need to flap, my good man. Double jagged. See?

Penis-Wife staggered back as if struck.

Oh. Oh, goodness. My apologies sir. I thought you were a truther. You know, one of the ones that believe in Badgers and chem-trails and other such fancies.

His tone had changed instantly from belligerent to obsequious upon seeing my shiny new Covid Passport.

Ha, one of them!? Do I look like an ostrich's cock?

I tucked my passport safely away in my back bin.

No, no. Of course not. I mean I think not. I am afraid to say I have never really seen an ostrich's cock, sir.

Penis-Wife looked around, embarrassed at his rubbishness.

Never seen an ostrich's cock? My God man, you've never lived! These truly are the end times. Oh well, don't worry, you will be double jagged soon enough and then you will be 'in the club.'

I tapped my nose and gave him a knowing wink that only the fully vaccinated can give.

I can but hope sir. I have family you see and I don't want to die and leave them all alone.

The officer took off his cap and wrung it in his hands giving me one of those pleading envious and awestruck looks that the unjagged are inclined to give

I tipped my head back and let out a long and metallic sounding laugh before fixing him with a cold glare.

He flinched back at the green LED-like tinge of my eyes.

I leaned in close to him and grabbed his shoulder in a vice-like grip like I was one of the freshly converted New World Order experimental vax-controlled Android army.

Don't worry my young friend. Once you are double jagged you will never have to worry about dying ever again...


Ok, the above didn't happen. However in a world where Covid Passports might end up being a real thing and the vaccination still being talked up as a government conspiracy by some. It could happen.

Well, maybe without the ostrich's cock.

And the potato penis-wives.

Anyway, I'm double jagged and that means i can finally go to the pub with my mates tonight after almost 15 months. Hurrah for normality!!


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