Black and Tan

Well, well, well. Look what the cat has dragged in!

The Bear-Man exclaimed, folding his arms over his barrel chest and setting his lips in a grim line.

I looked behind me to see what the cat had dragged in. There was no cat. Ah, hang on. He meant me.

Evening, guvnor.

I tilted an imaginary cap at the Bear-Man as if we were two young rapscallions stealing a loaf from Tommy the brown-fingered baker.
_{^{Why did Tommy have brown fingers??? He was kneading a shit... Boom boom!!}}

Where you been!?

The Bear-Man demanded ungrammatically.

I was on holiday. Sunny Lanzarote, actually. It was very nice.

I beamed from a face mildly tanned by the delicate caress of the winter sun.

Hmmph. You never said.

Growled the Bear-Man.

His beard twitched up and down as if it were about to leap from his face and chase a cat.

Well. I'm here now! What do you have that won't make me throw up in disgust?

I beamed happily.

The Bear-Man narrowed his eyes as if my joke were not actually very funny despite it being patently as funny as fuck.

I did a little dance to put him at ease.

He made a smumphing noise and sniffed.

You look like you could do with some black and tan.

He grunted with a malicious glint in his eye.

I flinched. What in the devil's balls wasblack and tan? Oh, wait a minute. There was a song about that. Wasn't it the Irish name for Johnny Police or something.

I winced in pain as I remembered vaguely how the song went. ...hurdy gurdy black n tan, deedly deedly dee... up the ballyshandy...weedle deedle DEE!!...

Shit. Please tell me you don't have a fiddle? I don't think I could take it if you pulled out a fiddle and started singing through your nose?

I licked my teeth at the disdain-fur that was already forming on them.

Of course I don't have a fookin fiddle. What do you think I am?

He reaches below the counter and pulled out a big bottle.

I got this, though, black and tan... Aged in scotch whisky barrels. Eh? You fancy it?

He winked at me as if I were wearing a pale blue dress and the village fire was burning low.

I reached out and grabbed it.

Oh go on then you big tease...