Alright mate, could you like my TikTok?
The voice of my friend Spiggy boomed out from my phone.
My face twisted in a way that would be depressingly familiar to a dog's arse trying to pass a nobbly stone.
Hey, Spiggy. Long time no see or hear. How are ya?
I breezed back at my erstwhile friend who I had not seen for about two years.
He was a funny one was Spiggy. He was a tiny scrawny little guy with a massive chip on his shoulder about being tiny and scrawny. It was also rumoured from various ex-girlfriends of his that his penis resembled a baby bird peeking out of a freshly broken egg.
A shame for him but hey, we can't all have perfect penises.
Yeah yeah mate, I'm good. Just keeping the hustle going, know what I mean?
Spiggy replied as if he were twitchily attempting to sell sunglasses on a beach.
Keeping the hustle going... Oh aye, me too.
I said, successfully managing not to add that I was in my late forties and the only hustle I really cared about was the one I did about half-past eight each morning on the porcelain pony.
So, anyway. You gonna like my TikTok?
Spiggy sounded impatient, annoyed even that he was having to waste so many words on someone in order to get them to do his bidding.
What TikTok?
I replied, equally impatiently.
For fuck sake mate. The one I sent you last night? Did you not get it? I Whatsapp'ed you?
Now Spiggy was sounding cross.
Ah yes, that one. You were saying something about the army in the streets or something?, It was hard to tell, you were mumbling a bit.
I was not mumbling?!
Aye, you really were. Could hardly make out a word. Something about the Government on a bender?
Not the government on a bender. The government AGENDA?!
Spiggy half yelled through my phone.
Alright then, the Government agenda. I told you though, you were mumbling a lot. I could hardly make anything out. And it was dark. And you were in bed which was weird so I didn't watch it till the end.
My words were met with a frosty silence.
You didn't watch it till the end? Mate, it was only a minute long. For fuck sake!?
Spiggy sputtered indignantly like an old car being fed some Venezualan petrol.
I know it was only a minute long but you were mumbling and in your bed. I was worried you were having a wank so I clicked off sharpish so I wouldn't have to see you doing the carp-face.
There was another silence at this.
Actually, it wasnt entirely silent. I could hear a low but furious sounding breathing.
Youre not cracking one off right now are you?
I said hesitantly, holding my phone back from my ear and flinching
Mate. You're a fucking prick.
He hung up.
I looked at my phone and made that relieved face you make when you hit a cyclist with your car but somehow manage to avoid scratching your paintwork.
I smiled to no one in particular.
Why, yes. I guess I am!
