Goodbye lass, we loved you.
Manfully, I wiped at something that could have been mistaken for a tear from the corner of my eye.
Daddy, will we ever see her again?
The Little Lady looked up at me mournfully as we stood before the starting place of the Good Lady's great journey.
I shook my head.
I am afraid not lass, from here she treads her own path. Where? No one knows. Life's great adventure cannot last for everyone. It seems as...
Guys, I am right here?!
The Good Lady cut off my impassioned philosophising on her death and subsequent journey to the wishy-washy egg-juice regions of hell she was no doubt doomed to languish in for her relentlessly naughty tongue antics in the bedroom.
Those were fine antics but a part of me wondered if it was worth her soul being damned to hell for eternity.
Ultimately, I guessed it was and I raised a hand in farewell as her journey looked ready to begin.
Hoy?! I am right here?! I am not dead. I am doing a sponsored bloody walk that's all!
The Good Lady reached out and tugged at my breast meat.
Hey, chuck that. These squeakers ain't for the milking, baby!
I clutched a hand to my right nipple which still stung a bit from where her hook-like fingers had clawed at it.
13 miles you say? Across these hills? In this weather. Not a chance. The badgers will be feasting on your remains before nightfall.
I blew out wistfully as I looked out at the hills on which the Good Lady was fated to walk.
She had volunteered to do a 13 mile hill walk for charity. In any other country, this might have been a jolly old wheeze. This, however, was Scotland.
A chill wind howled between the cloud-wreathed hills. Water gushed through a nearby ravine like sweat down a lady's camel-toe after a gruelling boxercise session.
The rain which in true Scottish fashion had held off until the very worst moment was beginning to crash down from the bruised arse of a sky.
You don't even get badgers in the hills?!
She pouted indignantly as she stood before me, her fluorescent running gear gleaming through the twilight of her years.
I felt a burst of pride in my chest at my girl, standing before me, so brave as she faced her doom. There was an element of Viking to her as she prepared for this last battle. No fear. No resignation. Just a fierce joy in a life well lived.
I grabbed her and pulled her close in for a hug.
I love you, baby. Don't worry, I will take care of the kids and find them an even better Mummy-Bear.
I let her go and gave her one final big smooch as the rest of the condemned women of the walk lined up at the starting line.
A better Mummy-Bear. Pfft, you are a prick sometimes.
The Good Lady huffed at me.
Anyway, see you at the finish line, darling. Enjoy yourselves today!
She hugged the children one by one then walked over to her coven friends.
I pulled the children close and we watched as the women set off to a chorus of horns and cheers. It seemed only moments before the mist swallowed them up and they were lost from view as they began their long walk to hell.
Come children. Let us head to the supermarket.
I gently guided them away from their old Mummy. The supermarket beckoned. There were always women there hanging about the fish counter. Or was it cats? No matter. I would find them a new Mummy soon enough.