Life is never black and white.
Something I could never grasp in my younger years. I was always trying my best, walking around trying to make 'the right decision'. To me, the right decision would always be the decision I would make based on my current moral and ethical ideals. More or less these tied in with the consensus of society, I was very motivated by perception of oneself back then rather than what I thought about me. But that's another story.
Sometimes I'd find myself in the worst situations life could throw at me and I'd always think there was a correct answer, as if some supreme entity was hanging above me, giving me only two choices to the present. I didn't realise that I was ultimately in control of my decision, and I'd have to reap what I had sown.
I also always went for the 'right decision' so that I didn't need to deal with the stress afterwards. I wasn't able to deal with stress well, or even conflict for that matter. I was to conflict as chalk is to cheese. I seriously hated it. So in my flawed thinking I would always choose the option that would cause the least conflict and stress.
So what if two of my closest friends were arguing and they were forcing me to take sides? What if I liked a girl that already had a boyfriend? What if my friends were telling me to stay at the pub for more beer when my Dad had expressly asked me to come home because we were away the next day for Christmas. These may seem easy decisions but they are totally subjective! What I would have chosen in my twenties I definitely would not have chosen today.
It was options like these that had conflict on both ends that caused me panic, decisions that were stacked up either way and there was no way out but to make a bad decision. Usually then I would fall back on my sense of self, and being an entirely selfish young man in my earlier years I would fall back on what gave me the most advantage / power / sense of gratification. Which in essence isn't always the best of things to fall back upon.
And then ultimately when the deed was done and the fallout was about to spill forth like a torrent of raw sewage I would sink into myself and think,
"Why me. The world is so evil to me. People are so evil"
I wasn't one for owning my own decisions, sticking to them and living by the fallout. Maybe that's something we have to learn to do. I often cringe at some of the bad, bad, bad decisions I made as a youth. I tell you, some of those decisions I'm still living with today. Lost friends, destroyed relationships.
But in the end I mastered balance. A key player in my mentality of positivity is understanding the roots of balance. That every decision doesn't have a good outcome, nor will we always choose wisely, that sometimes we jump into things and fuck up, and we have to own that failure. That sometimes we have to make those conflict ridden decisions to improve and move ahead with life. Split up with an abusive girlfriend, rid myself of deadbeat friends, stand up to an abusive parental figure. Things that need to be done for a long term goal of happier living.
And in my mind the key to living a healthy and positive life is learning from those conflict ridden and bad decisions. That nothing happens for a reason, but always you can take away something positive from a bad experience. For example, I look back and think if I hadn't had made so many mistakes in my past I wouldn't have the knowledge that I do now. That's a good thing in my opinion. Or, if I hadn't tried and failed with so many women in my younger years I wouldn't have known when the right one came along. Everything in life, take away something positive from. Even if it's bleak! Positives don't need to be massive. They could be as little as 'got out of bed today'.
Little steps, friend. Little steps.
Be well,