This summer, I was 30 years old. It may seem a bit egocentric to publish an article on this occasion but I wanted to keep track of my change of ten on internets. But not just any trace: it had to be useful for you who read me and also allow me to take stock of the past ten years since I blew 20 candles on a big cake at the cream.
Some time ago, this age scared me. As if her arrival implicitly meant: come on, that's all bullshit, now you're really an adult! Take your life at last, no one will do it for you.
Nobody will do it better than you.
And it's true, this notion of responsibility has often frightened me, but the year that has just passed by has made me realize that growing old is a chance . That of learning, of advancing, of growing up, and of becoming the most calmer and happier version of oneself . Life is a beautiful experience to live; I approach it henceforth and the passing of time does not paralyze me as it did before.
I'm not nostalgic for my twenties. This is a time that has not been easy for me in many ways and for nothing in the world, I would like to relive it.
But I try not to regret what I lived , to see life lessons that have forged me and allowed me to become what I am today. And that's what I want to share with you because I know how much the 30-year mark - for many of us - is not always easy to tackle.
So what can we learn as we get older? Here are some answers - certainly personal but I'm sure you'll find out; you will tell me. Small disclaimer : in the next 30 points, there are many that I could describe as being acquired - I'm not quite Matthieu Ricard, but it seems to me to be aware of it is already a lesson in itself.
Accept to have been wrong
To concede that one has been deceived so as to be able to learn from one's mistakes as well as others. It's a question of ego because it takes a bit of courage to say to yourself: thin, what I've always done, the way I've often acted and thought ... Well, maybe it's just not like that I should do now. I think we have to go beyond our beliefs and question both who we believe to be and the world we live in . It is a long learning but it is a rewarding learning that makes us move towards more wisdom and probably happiness.
Forgiving to others and to oneself
Here is a very complicated lesson! I have never been spiteful, but I have often ruminated on the harm that was done to me without being able to move on. When we forgive, we feel liberated from a weight: the path is tedious, time is a precious help but the real work is to change our view of what we have experienced . It's not easy to forgive - especially when you blame someone for hurting someone - so you have to focus on the positive that you can take from that or such experience, there are always some.
To be lonely is not to be alone
One can live so many beautiful things without his entourage: I even think that we should all live moments that belong only to us. Spend time with yourself, do not always need company; it's a way of taking care of your interior and growing up. We can start by going to the cinema without his friends, having tea on a terrace with only one partner for a book, and finally preparing his backpack to travel solo ...
Cultivate one's intuition and trust him
It's important to learn to listen to the small, wise voice deep inside you that alerts you and guides you to the right path. Never let anything or anyone shut it up! Intuition is developing one's sense of observation and listening . It is to be attentive to what is happening in itself ... As such, meditation has been a great help to me - although I have given up for a while. It allowed me to step back and offer more space to my intuition with which I finally returned.
Make peace with your body
It is a daily work on oneself. There are days more favorable than others to learn to love each other but today, I know how to let go of the ballast and I gave up this vain quest for perfection: what does it do good! In the media, we always value the same type of physics, it's tiring and it's mostly done on purpose. Who would buy slimming creams and self-tanning if not? Who would give his money to go roll-feel his ass? I do not care about having cellulite, not having a small trumpet nose, long thin legs, and a well-filled neckline. Is not beauty in diversity?
Our society voluntarily creates frustration by imposing unattainable models for the sole purpose that we consume .
Like many of us, I fell into this trap and still today, I happen to look me in the mirror while cursing against my thighs that I always found too big; and other parts of my body that do not fit the beauty ideal that we are being sold. Except that when my friends complain about theirs, I sincerely tell them that there is no problem and that they are beautiful as they are: why not apply this same benevolence to oneself?
Last little things that seem important to me. If your guy or your girlfriend devalues you, do not find yourself enough this or too much: pull yourself up by raising your most beautiful finger ! Finally, let's not do body-shaming ; we do not improve self-esteem by lowering others.
Say I love you
I grew up in a modest family where you do not show much affection. The proofs of love are manifested through little attentions and worries, not in words. It's a shame and I missed it when I was younger. Life has led me to express more my love to those I love, to compliment them, to encourage them and to show them that they matter to me. Why ? Because it's good for them and me . It does not cost anything, it is not binding, and Solange explains it perfectly in this video . Let's say more often I love you, shit!
Invest your sexuality
It is difficult to talk about sex on a blog without being able to hide behind anonymity. By the way, I never touched on it here because I did not really know how to do it. And then, to tell the truth, I did not want it either until I realized that patriarchy dictated our conduct even in our intimacy.
Women are taught to be beautiful desirable objects, but not desiring subjects! She scares female sexuality and she is the victim of many clichés.
Gala has also recently shared a very interesting article on the desire, the pleasure and the female orgasm which shows how one integrates in spite of us that it is necessary to be passive and to concentrate on one's partner (in heterosexual relations); forgetting in passing his own satisfaction. A woman who takes the lead, who says what she wants and who is simply active, it scares.
What I have learned is that we have everything to gain and discover by releasing this passivity that only responds to the desire and the solicitations of our partner. I also learned that orgasm is not a magic thing that the other offers us on occasion - hopefully, if the planets are well aligned all that. Well, of course, but not only. We'll pick him up or rather, we'll help him to get him - because it's hard to talk about sex! - provided he gets rid of the notion of performance that has no place in there. She ruins everything, everything, everything. Morality? Do not be afraid to desire, to ask, to direct, and even ... to say no.
To have it is not to be
I had already told you about my redemption of expenses two years ago now. Since then, I've come a long way in realizing that we could have the apartment of his dreams and afford what we liked without really looking at his bank account, it did not make happy. Really happy, I hear. At the beginning of the blog, I put much emphasis on shopping and my last purchases; almost letting these objects define who I was. Was it necessary to arrive there to perceive the emptiness of all these things?
We are not more fulfilled because we can afford everything we want or almost . My awareness was late but once she arrived, I felt liberated from enormous weight.
I do not want to feel trapped in my possessions and my recent move was the ultimate, most violent move.
Moving in 35 m2 less with someone who had lived his life before too and being drowned in the boxes, to no longer know where to put what, gave me a great anxiety crisis like I had never done before . A crisis of anxiety because of objects ... Because of all that I had accumulated of non-necessary (frankly, who needs a dozen tea cups?) For years and that is, for the most, still stored in boxes waiting to know what to do. Now, I think much more before buying something and I aspire to more simplicity . I feel better like this.
Develop your compassion
You will not be surprised to read that I developed my compassion through my journey to veganism - and a little before that, when I was writing my memoir on animal ethics five years ago. Not that I was a heartless monster before, but my concern for the fate of animals extended to humans and the planet more generally. Read that 1% of the population owns half of the world's wealth, it makes me want to cry ... The fate of these thousands of people fleeing their country at war because the wars it makes us sell weapons, those who are exploited so that we can buy sweaters at 29,95 € at Zara's, while Amancio Ortega gets out of her pockets, the farmers who are oppressed by the FAO, the homeless people we go through without a look, etc.
Of course, I do not get up every morning thinking of those who are worse off than us. My compassion is translated by small daily gestures and consumer choices.
I will not change the world but I do not want to keep blinkers comfortable, selfishly. It's not easy, there are temptations everywhere, and I bought a t-shirt at H & M this summer because there was an embroidered lemon on it and a dress at Mango's ... Will I burn in Hell? No. Because compassion, we must also have a little to ourselves and accept that we are fallible, sometimes. We are all in work in progress as Anouchka says ; the main thing is certainly not to close your eyes and act step by step.
To cherish one's heritage
When I was younger, I did not realize how lucky I was to grow up in two different cultures, between France and Italy. As I get older, I've become nostalgic for my childhood - like many of us, I guess - and today, I love listening to my grandmother's stories even more than 10 years ago! I ask her every year to tell us how she met my grandfather, I watch her patiently prepare tagliatelle for lunch, I'm fascinated by her hands when she makes a hem on a dress that I gave her to shorten and I smile to hear her voice raise her volume when she speaks to her sisters in dialect on the phone.
I am terribly afraid of the day when she will not be here - it's stupid, I have tears in my eyes just to write it. I want her to know that I'm proud, so proud, to have her last name, to be part of her story and to be part of mine.
To cherish my inheritance and to discuss with our family our memories in common always gives me a lot of good; I thought I was not very attached to the family before. Today, that's what matters most to me .
Stop comparing
How difficult it is not to compare yourself and stop envying others in the era of storytelling in your own life! Social networks constantly remind us of how much nothing is ever enough : chronic dissatisfaction is born - in part - from the relentless comparison in which hyperconnection drives us. We are always less creative, less beautiful, less funny, less intelligent, less lucky, less, less, less.
We must protect ourselves from the artificial world that gives us to see social media and focus on what we can do of our existence with the means that are given to us and those that we will seek.
There is not one single model of success , it is up to us to invent ours. We are not all moving at the same pace; Not being a homeowner, married, senior in a big company or boss of a promising start-up at age 25 does not mean that our life is less successful than another. It is very subjective success. The comparison can create emulation provided that our models are not an exception ; and when you end up putting your phone on the coffee table with bad self-esteem, it's time to invest your energy elsewhere.
In July, Juliette shared an interesting article on the fear of insignificance . He shows how success stories 2.0 and discourses that convey a positive message based on "when we want, we can" plunge people into psychological distress.
If I do not succeed as a so-and-so, does that mean I'm not trying hard enough? If I fail, is it my fault? Success is not just the result of hard work and passion .
It must be recognized. It is also related to the social milieu from which we come from, the encounters we have made, and a whole host of other perimeters of which luck is a part. Knowing that, to compare oneself is not constructive and it is better to think more, as I wrote above, what is possible to do with our life, and with us alone.
Stop trying to please everyone
At 30, I am finally at ease with the idea of not being unanimous! I have already shared it with you but there is an English formula that says: I rather be someone's shot of whiskey, than everyone's cup of tea . I like this sentence well; of course, I prefer that people like me but I can not pretend to be anything other than myself.
And you know what ? It allows me today to share my life with a boy who fits me in every way because I have not tried to disguise my personality to please him and to have friends in which I always find myself a little: for their sensitivity, their view of the world, their humor, their introversion, etc. And that's good not to be appreciated by everyone.
Criticize yes, but not for free
Oh, as I practiced free criticism: easy and tempting, it is often used to express our frustrations and insecurities. It is reassuring to say bad things about others, but to believe that you will gain confidence is a big scam. Hidden behind a screen, the temptation is even greater and social networks are a playground for petty criticism (Solange - yes again - speaks very well in this video ). As much as possible, you have to resist it. She has no interest in anyone and often sends us a bad image of ourselves, after the fact.
Tell the truth
One easily lies for convenience, to save and spare; we say to ourselves that an insignificant little lie will have no great consequences. But little lies added to each other, it does not have the same consequences as a single isolated. To tell the truth is to respect the other person and to show him that he can trust us : if you are able to say a truth that hurts, the truths that do good will be all the more valuable. This is far from obvious and I am aware that in some cases my point of view on the truth is questionable but my own experience has shown me that lying is always synonymous with boredom, at some point or a time. other .
Know how to listen
I bet you have already discussed your concerns with a person who has barely increased your last completed sentence: ah but me, blah blah blah . And do it yourself. To listen to others is to stand back and listen attentively to be able to answer without necessarily speaking about oneself . In my opinion, to let talk without interrupting is the most important thing in listening. It can be learned and it seems to me that it brings much more to all, than two dialogue of deaf a little egocentric.
Admit when things are not going well
Like everyone else, my life has been - and will probably be so in the future too, but a little less I hope - punctuated by difficult moments when I buried myself in silence. I pretended to be fine using a simple technique that I do not recommend at all: to deny . I held many years to cash without flinching, sometimes confiding in friends who have not always known how to listen to me but fortunately, some have supported me anyway.
And then, exhausted, I decided to help myself and to admit to myself first that I was not well ; that's how I sat on a chair in front of a psychologist for a year and a half.
Once a week, I talked about my worries for 45 minutes. At first I came out of the room terribly angry. I felt like I was wasting my time, that it was useless, that I could do without it. What's the point ? And then, I realized that hearing myself tell what I was living aloud allowed me to measure the magnitude of the problem and therefore, no longer to deny it. I can not imagine where I would be today if I had not, one day, confessed that it was wrong. Know that mutism always serves us when we suffer.
Become more attentive to yourself
Through meditation and other introspective practices, I have become more aware of what is happening in my body . How does this translate everyday? If I am sad or angry, I try to identify why and this rationalization helps me soothe the manifestations of my emotions. This new attention also allows me to take less medication : I am prone to migraines and I had the reflex to systematically swallow an Aspégic when I felt a pain intense pain.
Now I lie down and listen to what's going on inside the time it takes ; I close my eyes, I breathe deeply, I apply lavender essential oil on my wrists and often, I feel better after this short break with myself.
It also works on fluctuating moods related to my cycle or on seasonal blues blues. Obviously, this is not an infallible technique - it does not work when you suffer a lot physically - and sometimes I forget that it would be enough that I settle down a few minutes to go a little better but I advise you to try it, it can help you. Promised.
To assume his introversion
Since we were talking about introspection ... It may be easier for those who have an introverted personality. This is my case and it took me several years to realize that I did not enjoy group evenings, that I felt much more comfortable in a small committee, and that - roughly speaking - I was sociable to a certain extent .
I need solitude, calm and silence.
Seeing too many people irretrievably plays on my morale and when circumstances do not allow me to isolate myself, I become silent and even, at times, a bit aggressive. This is how it is and we should not apologize for being what we are to please others and because society prefers extroverts; whatever our personality, it is neither better nor worse than any other. The bottom line is to assume who you are because it feels awfully good not to wear a mask!
Move away from social networks
Did you know that the incessant notifications that we receive every day, several times a day, on our phones acted like a drug in our brain? This video of just 2 minutes shows how we become dependent on these notifications because they flatter our ego and because we take bad habits : compulsively to consult his smartphone without even needing it and this on waking, juggling from one social network to another to fool boredom, fall into the trap of the likes and subscribers race, put too much on Instagram, and so on.
By further controlling their use of social networks, leaving their phone away from them, not having the need to document their daily lives to show others how cool our lives are (or conversely, self-respecting to persuade them that it is rather than to admit that things are not going well - we come back to the point raised above): we focus more on the present moment, we take better advantage of our loved ones, we have more time available for activities that bring us positive (read, walk around, exercise in pictures, play sports, draw, knit, etc.) and ultimately , we are less stressed and we have a better self-image! It's worth it to have a reasoned consumption, disable notifications and forget his phone several hours, right?
Reinventing his vision of work
The question of work in our industrialized societies interests me a lot. I have the chance to be freelance for almost 4 years and to be able to live properly; and although it is not fun every day, I am happy to be able to decide the organization of my days and missions that are entrusted to me.
Our work takes up most of our time, so it should not be a source of suffering and chronic stress. On the contrary, we should be able to flourish a minimum . Easier said than done ?
Yes, most certainly. There is rent, loans and bills to pay but when our well-being is at stake, should we still grit our teeth? And how far? There is so much to say about the work of our day, and so many solutions to put in place so that it does not vampirise more thousands of people who sink in the burn out and who miss their life because it must fill the fridge well.
I hope to be able to devote an article to it one day (it requires a monstrous preparation work and I do not find the time to do it, or say that it is not part of my priorities but I think about it, I think) and in the meantime, I would like to say this : try to detach yourself from the material issue and ask yourself what you want to do in your life. On a piece of paper, write down your ideas and what you could do to make them come true. Make your dreams and dreams come true black on white, it's already a first step.
Fight against the sexism that we drive despite ourselves
We sometimes drive despite ourselves sexism. Paying attention to what is said and conveying through our words is not quibbling for nothing. Whether it's male or female - or transgender, but I do not have enough of the subject to talk about, you'll forgive me - we're all steeped in stereotypical opinions that we have to fight .
Ordinary sexism harms everyone, women and men alike.
On Netflix, you'll be able to watch two excellent documentaries that Louise had recommended to me: Miss Representation, which deals with women's models presented in the media and their impact on the construction of girls from an early age, and The Mask You Love In which shows how patriarchal society puts immense pressure on little boys to "become men".
In order for there to be real equality between men and women, and for each individual to express his personality without being clichéd about his gender , we should all question ourselves. A woman is no less a woman because she stops shaving and plays video games. A man is no less a man because he is moved in front of a romantic comedy and he spends the broom.
Accept friendly breakups
Friendly break ups can be as painful as breakups. When I love people, I naturally trust them and rarely ask myself the question of the information I give them that could be used against me; unfortunately, I learned at my expense that it was necessary to better choose my friendships - even if one is never safe from some nasty surprises. Today, I have only a very small handful of close friends, girls to whom I can say everything without fear of being judged.
I was in my twenties when I suffered my first disappointment. It was the cold shower but I got over it, even though it took me years.
The friendly breaks are often necessary when we take different paths and we can not find any intersection to meet from time to time over a drink or dinner: it's life, it's is normal. That does not mean that what we shared with the other was not sincere but simply that we changed, evolved. We must be made to the idea that we can not necessarily go through an existence with the same friends and that despite our investment, insist is sometimes useless.
Maintain one's curiosity
I do not understand this old saying that curiosity is a bad thing ... Diantre, no. On the contrary ! Being curious is opening up to the world and asking questions, trying to understand how it works. It is also enriching oneself, growing up and becoming more tolerant, safer, more critical, more complete I will say.
Curiosity takes very different forms : questions that seem insignificant and that are in fact philosophical, discussions in which everyone listens to think together, test new activities, listen to scientific conferences or podcasts, read a literary genre unpublished in our library, ask his doctor for explanations about his actions on our body, etc. We would all be better at being more curious, and we would probably more easily make the skin of the received ideas - among others.
Keep your child's soul
What I like about children is their ability to marvel, to invent a world and to ask themselves very simple but essential questions. I envy their carelessness! Impossible to 30 years to find but I feed my child's soul as much as possible - even if I do more and more great things (like drinking coffee, hem).
Eat chocolate spread bread in front of We Bare Bears (watch it in a VO) on a Sunday morning, roll in the grass, reread my old Mickey's Diary, prepare a hearty pasta broth after a day of shit, sing Disney songs with my sister, playing in the waves and making sand castles. It's a good idea to forget for a moment that we are responsible adults who pay taxes and who must think about their future ...
Change your relationship to money
I was very expensive and I remember a girlfriend told me 6/7 years ago: when you work, I'm sure that even if you have good pay, you'll find a way to be at discovered . Well sorry sorry girl but you're wrong! My relationship to money has changed because my relationship to materialism too. I explained it above, I aspire to a lot more simplicity - in this respect, I advise you to watch Minimalism on Netflix - and my money, I prefer to spend it intelligently: to eat organic, to save in order to buy a new photo lens, to travel, to save a little, etc.
In this perspective, I do not mind making a lot of money, I prefer to have more time for me than more money to try to buy happiness.
Of course, being financially comfortable makes life easier - and I sometimes spend a little bit on a head - but our wealth is not expressed through our possessions. I completely dropped some blogs for this reason: the media pushes us already enough like that to overconsumption, I do not want to find the same system of materialistic values on personal media. At the end of the day, I think changing your relationship to money means being a bit freer .
Persevere
Rome was not made in a day and progress, see projects succeed, it takes time and perseverance . The path is never easy and sometimes long, very long. Along the way, there will be questioning and abandonment but it will not be necessary that it prevents us to start over and move forward!
We learn from his failures and his difficulties. We will probably cry, shout, give up, but if it's for something that holds a heart, it's worth it.
In photography, I considered myself a long time incapable: I put lead to make my settings, I struggled to compose my images, I did not know how to post-treat properly and compare myself to others made me lose my means . In short, I felt zero. A year ago, I decided to post on Instagram only photos taken with SLR and to follow almost only inspiring accounts that helped me to develop my eye.
It was a real click. I started taking more and more pictures, testing different frames and treatments; and the more it went, the more comfortable I was, the more I found my style and the more I liked photography. Persevering has paid off and although I still have a lot of progress to make, I am proud of the path I have traveled!
Feeding gratitude on a daily basis
It was Anouchka who made me want to hold a gratitude book to always try to find positive in my daily life and stop complaining wrongly and wrongly. A simple and effective technique to see the glass half full rather than half empty. I am not very assiduous and sometimes it happens weeks without I blacken the moments for which I am grateful but when I feel irritated ready to burst into tears at the first opportunity; taking the time to think about what has been good in my day is very soothing .
Tempering his impulsivity
Impulsiveness is my bad little defect. When I was younger, I reacted a quarter-turn and rarely took the time to think before speaking and then acting. Fortunately, it has changed and I am much more serene today when I am facing a situation that once would have made me out of my hinges! I take the time to digest and think and then adopt an attitude that seems reasonable to me. Of course, I am human and from time to time, my impulsiveness catches up with me because I am tired or upset; but I have made tremendous progress. Certainly realizing that I could hurt people by my attitude and that they did not have to pay for my temper .
Learn to be happy for others
It is not always easy to rejoice for others; even more so when one goes through a complicated period. Nevertheless, learning to be happy for my friends, I noticed that it influenced my own happiness. Anouchka (yes, still she - I can not help it if she cleverly addresses lots of interesting topics on her blog) wrote an article about it. She rightly says that celebrating a happy event in the lives of others does not take away our happy moments from us! By cultivating benevolence, we become less negative and less envious, ultimately, we waste less energy to ruminate and we win to advance in life.
Smile
I end this very long article with one of the most beautiful lessons - and yet so simple - that I learned in 30 years: to smile. It does not cost anything and yet it changes everything! It was Yasmine who put me on the path when I met her 5 years ago and then, there was my trip to Bali where seeing the smiling faces of the locals was a revelation. It may sound strange but it changed my life by making it softer: smile at the person behind a RATP counter, smile at a mother with her little boy who recites his poetry in the subway, smile at the person I shoved without intention, smile when I speak on the phone, and even smile at those who make jokes. And in the latter case, smiling is a formidable weapon ...
After these almost 6000 words, I will not add anything except that I will be very curious to know the lessons you have learned since you showed the tip of your nose in this world. How do you approach the time and anniversaries that pass? How did you evolve with age? Does aging make you scared? I can not wait to read you and then find you more regularly here, the blog will finally come to life: see you soon then!