It started in my 4th year when I went to my first school dance with my childhood friend, Alison Woan. We both had attended private school in Brighton, but I was put at ease when Alison greeted me with the usual "oooh, Cara, is that you?" when I walked in.
It didn't take long for us to hit it off, but when I asked her if she wanted to go with me on the dance floor, she shook her head.
She was in love with someone else, one of our teachers in fact, but I was in love with the idea of dancing through the night with a beautiful girl nobody else knew.
We were soon sharing a bottle of cheap wine in the common room, littered with students gossiping over their lives. Soon, the music blared out the top of the stereo, and people took to the dance floor. I moved Alison's chair closer to me, putting my arm around her shoulder. I figured that she might be flustered… perhaps she really did have feelings for the teacher.
"I'm so glad you came," I whispered to her, while stroking her hair.
She turned her head to me, whispering, "Cara, I'm so glad too."
We kissed. I didn't flinch when she kissed me again. It felt warm and soft, just like her.
"Cara, this is so sweet. You remind me so much of-" She stopped talking.
"Of… uh… the girlfriend I had at primary school."
"What was her name?" I asked, curiosity killing the cat.
"Oh, I never got to actually know her name. We only spoke briefly after that school dance."
"Did you like her?" I remember asking. We were now sat facing each other.
She smiled and said, "Yeah, I liked her. She was a girl. Just like you."
I kissed her again.
After a few nights of this, we became pretty good friends. I saw her every weekend and we snuck off to the common room at night to drink, talk and kiss. After a few weeks, I confessed my feelings for her and asked to see her again.
She sighed and replied, "I don't think it's a good idea, Cara." I tried to kiss her again, but she pushed me away. "I just want to spend time with you, that's all."
I looked into her eyes and could see a slight air of sadness about them. I think she liked me as much as I liked her, but something was holding her back.
That one weekend seemed to pass by in a second. I found out she had gone to Scotland with her parents. I was gutted. I texted her the following evening, announcing that I would see her the following week. We sat in the common room after school, where we always did.
"You kissed me so hard, Cara. I couldn't catch my breath," she said after catching her breath.
I leaned in to kiss her again, but she pulled away.
"Cara, I really like you. I just don't think it's a good idea."
I was stunned. "Why not? You said you did too. Don't say that, you just want the teacher, don't you?"
"…Yeah. I really do."
I had never felt so jealous in my life. I was so angry that she wouldn't just drop this guy for me.
She continued, "I think it would be nothing but trouble. I felt the same way about him. I felt bad too, but how could I just ignore that feeling of… I don't know, but I just couldn't ignore that feeling. We would never have had the same relationship if I had. Right now, I know what I'm getting myself into. I know he would do anything to make me happy."
I looked at her, still full of anger. I always used to look forward to seeing her, but now, I didn't even want to. I wanted to see her so desperately, but I just couldn't bring myself to.
After a week of not seeing her, I finally broke down and texted her from my phone. I am not a huge texter, but I just had to tell her that I am feeling horrible without her. I know that she is back from Scotland, but I don't know if she has gone back to her parents or still has friends in Brighton. I don't know anything. I only got the one message back;
'I'm sorry Cara, but I can't come with you to the dress-shop. My parents like to take me there. My mum has really wanted that dress for ages.