Hey,
It happened in July 2010. I was 22 years old. I`ve always had the fear of driving a car. Which psychological background is responsible for this, I have never thought about and I have never wanted to think about. Just the thought to steer a car put me in panic.
However, in today`s society it is unthinkable not to have a driving license. I know a driving license can be very practically in life. I was so terrified. My question was: „ What should I tell my parents and friends, who already drove their car without problems. What excuse can I tell? Exactly, there are no excuses. It is time, I have to register in a driving school and making the fxxking driving license. I thought about which driving school should I choose and ask around. My friend recommended me a driving school. „He is a nice teacher with humor, even my mum made her driving license at his school.“, she said. Sounds nice!
Week by week I visited my driving lessons. My driving instructor was a 41 year old married male with grey hair and grey mustache. Already on the beginning he thought it would be very fun to tell perverse jokes. It was very misplaced but I forced myself to ignore him and I never laughed at his jokes. In the further lesson he began to make compliments about my outer. I forced myself to ignore him again. In the further lesson he suddenly touched my knees. For any reasons I could not say a word, I was just petrified. My hopes were big and I wished it will never happen again. It felt scary to be in his presence. „I just has to get my driving license, I can`t break it up, what should I say to my parents, they all believe in me!“ said my bad conscience to me.
Because of my uncomfortable feeling I just wanted to wear a potato sack next to him. It was a very hot July summer, over 30 degrees and even more degrees in the car. Still I decided to wear a winter pullover, you could not even see my neck, I just wanted to hide everything up. „Do you think I am a stupid man, it is over thirty degrees, we are in a car, why do you wear a pullover“ he just yelled at me. He did not talk to me during the whole driving lesson and doesn`t wanted to explain how to drive. It was a strange feeling. I began to feel guilty but I did not know why. He gave me the feeling to feel guilty. Why the heck is this guy not making his job, why the heck is this guy interested in which clothes I am wearing. Even if I would wear an astronaut costume, it is not his business.
It was just disgusting, he was over 40 years old, married and I could be his daughter.
Next lesson was in his teaching room, he explained me all kind of motors in a car. After we finished I got up and walked toward the car to continue my driving lesson. Suddenly at this moment I felt his hand on my buttocks. Fear was going through my whole body and I told him not to do this again. It was not a realistic situation for me and I began to forget it very fast. My subconsciousness has pushed it out of my mind, like it was never happened. Is it a defense of the psyche? I don`t know …
My last lesson with him was breaking all limits. The speed of my car was exactly 100 km per hour.and many cars were passing the country road. Without a slight premonition I felt his hand between my legs. My mind was still clear „What should I do? Should I drive to one of those trees and kill us, or should I stay calm?“ To stay calm was my decision. I put my legs aside and said he should stop. I just wanted run home. Eating with me in a restaurant was his next Idea. I just went home, so fast as possible, and never answered his phone calls. Just banishing this man out of my head was my only wish. And yeah, my subconscious has banished this story out of my life.
Now I have to disappoint my parents by telling them my driving school breaking up story. Everyone should just know I am just afraid to drive a car. No one will ever know the truth. Of course Dad could not understand how I could break up, he paid 3000 Euro for me. I just felt ashamed and could not talk to anyone. I did not want to infect my mind with this story. After one week I left the city and moved 700 km away to began my further education at an academy. I just forgot everything.
After 7 years I started to deal with it again. „Why did you not tell it to someone?“ „Why didn`t you go to police?“ „Why were you afraid?“ „Why were you feeling ashamed?“ „What would I do different today“
While I am writing my story on a piece of paper I feel to get angry against me. How could I be so stupid and shy? Why justice was so unimportant for me?
Why did I not tell it to anyone?
I was afraid my friends will force me to go to Police.
I was afraid my dad would kill him and has to go to jail.
I did not want to deal with it
I was afraid no one will believe me, even I could not believe me how other people would?
I was afraid he would say to police that I want to destroy his business cause I had no proofs. It was just me and him in the car.
Why did I feel ashamed?
This is one of the hardest questions for me.
I just thought, you are alive nothing bad is happened to you, everything is fine, there are much more worse things in life. Don`t be a coward. I just wanted to be strong and if I am showing my feelings I will be weak.
What would I do different today?
I would just go to police and telling it as an anonymes person.
Even if I would have no proofs police can save this information and if other girls would happen the same thing he would already get problems and get his fine and even losing his job. A sick pervers person should be not a teacher.
Why did I released this post?
After all that years I wanted to deal with my past.
I am wishing other women would read this story and react, no women has to be ashamed if someone is doing things to her that she doesn`t want. Justice is important, even a short touch is too much.
Men and Women go to police, and if you are afraid, you should tell your story as an anonymous person. Police will write down your story. It is better than no reaction at all.
Thank you for reading, big hug Lena!