Imagine the worst day you’ve ever had. Imagine that feeling of overwhelming sadness, pushing harder and harder at the edge of your consciousness, forever threatening to break in and destroy the mental peace you’ve made for yourself. After graduating high school in 2010, those first five years of my life, felt as if… I was living in a world of grey. At this time in my life.. It seemed no matter how hard I would try, to escape the expectations of the people around me, were impossible. Financially during those years, I was trying to take a breath and being unable to. Although, each day didn’t feel worth living, each moment did feel worth experiencing and I am blessed to be able to win the fight on creating my own world.
Depression is one hell of a bully, it pushed me into every corner of my existence, both work and family life became more difficult. In the beginning, my friend’s at the time would give me medications that they had been taking. I didn't think much of it.. I went with the flow. At first, the medications really were working, but after time it only seemed to deaden my feelings. I started to feel detached from everyone and immune to every pressure. I would blame everyone for my mistakes, while criticizing modern day society of that “route to success.” In my mind, that route to success started with getting a college degree to become financially stable. Why? Well.. back when I was younger, teachers always stated, “The students with college degrees turn out to be more successful, have more money, than those without.” That really stuck with me after high school. Honestly, I hated school in general, but felt obligated to attend college so I can fit in the “real world.”
THE CRASH
Within those first five years of striving for a college degree, the depression continued to build more heavy on my shoulders, each year that passed. I had been working two jobs, attempting to perform well in college, party every weekend, and keep positive relationships between friends/family. It was the summer of 2015, I started to see familiar faces from high school at the local downtown bars. While engaging with these old companions.. I can sense more of a cocky entitlement with some. “I got a job at Google as.. Or I got a job at Apple as.. Or i got a job at Netflix…” You can get the picture.. Seemed like everyone had got their college degrees, which made old classmates raise numerous questions on.. “What could possibly be taking so long to get my degree?” It made me really start thinking to.. Maybe I wasn't smart or good enough to obtain a degree. I begun to lose my mind..
That lonely summer, I got involved with drugs such as; Molly, Xanax, Cocaine, Marijuana, Alcohol and started to lose track of who I was as a person. To be blunt.. I was not a person anymore.. I turned into a zombie. I lost all direction of my life and did not seem to care at all about anything. One day during that drowsy summer, I remember meeting up with some twitchy friends who were indulging their noses with some cocaine. They actually offered me some, insisted me to do some.. Something just did not feel right.. I felt an inner voice in my head repeating over and over again “Don’t do it, Don’t do it, today is not the day.” Sounds insane.. I decided not to any. This felt different, because in my state of mind I was vulnerable to peer pressure. Although, I did do a lot of Xanax throughout that day. I digested 16 mgs, which is equivalent to 8 bars of Xanax. I was insane!! I continued to party all day and night, with not a single worry in the world. Towards the end of the night which for me was around 3am, I decided to get into my car and make an attempt to make it home.
(For those reading this, that have knowledge about the effects of xanax know that driving and anti-anxiety medication are not the perfect marriage.)
My Xanax driving experience was very identical to this scene from the “Wolf Of Wall Street”
(Great movie by the way!)
I did crash my car, into a parked car, waking up to a full blown white airbag smothered in my face. I was all drugged up, not even realizing at that moment how lucky I was to be alive. The police rushed to the scene, as I just sat there heart pounding, with not a single idea of where I was.. Or where I was going.. I remember being arrested, getting my blood taken, and sitting that night in a Downtown Santa Clara jail cell. I could of died.. Why didn’t I die? What am I going to do now? I wanted to be dead.. Lots of emotions were going through my head, I was coming down from an intense Xanax high.
As the summer went on, I would focus every second of my time on that one car crash. I basically lost trust with my entire family, important friends to me, (who did not do drugs) and even got fired from one of my jobs. Why did all of this happen? Oh yea, that's right.. Because of my life choices. Took sometime to realize that I was the virus. I told myself.. “Never again”
I had to create my own world to separate myself from the expectations of people around me.
“Time heals many wounds but this loss becomes the defining sadness of your life.”
Claire Cook
Starting that new year of college, I knew moving on with my life, nothing could be worse than my summer experiences. I started to realize the value of that one near miss with death has been a positive, a reawakening to the value of each day. Each one of us has only has a limited time on this earth; no one can predict when your time will end. But, the time between life and death is a time to give thanks for each day, to see the sun rise again, to know that you can accomplish, can help, can assist others to appreciate their life if they are caught in the poor-me syndrome.
WHAT DID I THINK THE MEANING OF THE EXPERIENCE WAS WHEN IT HAPPENED?
Seize each day as if it is your last because that just might be the case. Take each day for the real gift it is; enjoy each day, add a joyful thought or a laugh or a simple appreciation to sit for a moment and enjoy the expression of freedom that it entails. You have a gift, a gift that is immeasurable in its own right. You can make each day a day of value, or you can choose to complain, where you have to right to. What kind of day will you have now?
Hello, My name is Josh Stucky-Elliot. I am very new to Steemit and want to get involved in the community. I have a passion for creating journalistic articles and video production. After that crazy rollercoaster ride you just read.. I have now got my college degree. I have been hired at Tesla in Fremont, CA. I have been involved daily in the stock market and cryptocurrency world. Let's all be positive! We can accomplish all things!
