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Life after Police are defunded and disbanded:
Phone rings*************
Dispatcher: Hello, 911 what is your emergency?
Frantic Citizen: SOMEBODY BROKE INTO MY HOUSE, THEY HAVE A GUN, I NEED THE POLICE!!!
Dispatcher: Im sorry to hear that. Try to remain calm as they go about their business.
Frantic Citizen: CALM? I NEED HELP RIGHT NOW. IM HOME ALONE AND IM HIDING IN A CLOSET BUT THEY ARE HEADING MY WAY. SEND THE POLICE NOW!
Dispatcher: Im sorry to hear that. As you know, the public asked for the police department to be disbanded and unfunded so I cant send anybody at this time.
Frantic Citizen: WHAT AM I SUSSPOSED TO DO? I NEED HELP NOW!
Dispatcher: Yes that certainly sounds like a terrible situation. I can send you conflict resolution pamphlet for $4.99. It may take 7 days to arrive. Can I have your address? I can include a pamphlet on self policing if you like for an additional $4.99? I can take payment via credit card. Im ready for your card number now.
Angry Citizen: NO I NEED THE POLICE RIGHT NOW. HE IS ALMOST HERE.
Dispatcher: While this sounds urgent, I don’t think its wise to assume the person gender. While they may look male, they may identify as one of many other genders. If you like I can add a pamphlet that covers sensitivity training? Just add $4.99 more. Can I have your credit card number?
Angry Citizen: THE “PERSON” IS SMASHING THINGS AND STEALING MY STUFF. SEND SOMEBODY NOW! THEY ARE IN THE SAME ROOM WITH ME NOW!
Dispatcher: If you are able, can you place the other person on the line, I can offer them a pamphlet on the dangers of breaking the law. Try to stay at least 6 feet away to conform to social distancing guidelines. Do you have a mask?
Angry Citizen: IM A TAXPAYER AND A BUSINESS OWNER. I DEMAND POLICE PROTECTION! MY HOUSE IS MY HOME BUSINESS, HE…………. THEY…………IT, IS DESTROYING MY HOME AND BUSNESS AND IS GOING TO DISCOVER ME HIDING HERE.
Dispatcher: Hold please………………………………………. Our records show that you do not currently have a permit for a home business. Have you been open during the Covid 19 shutdown?
Angry Citizen: YES, WHATEVER! WHO CARES ABOUT THAT! I NEED HELP NOW!
Dispatcher: I will be dispatching an officer to cite you for keeping your business open during the shutdown. Should I have the officer bring the pamphlets we discussed?
Angry Citizen: Sounds of closet door opening…………………. Screams…………………… BANG BANG!!
Dispatcher: Hello? Hello??? This call will be charged to your phone bill at a rate of $2.99 for the first minute and .99 cents for every minute after that.