Abracadabra, Trauma & Drama – pt. 6 of repressed memories of abuse

This summer a friend gave me a magical book. It was about cosmic symbols and how to use them. In there is an anatomic chart showing which mental and/or emotional programming is connected to which bodypart. Besides there are many useful symbols. I could write a whole book on how I healed myself and others with those symbols. That’s another story. It taught me that every block on your front comes from this life, everything on your back comes from a past life; everything on your left is what you experienced passively, your right is what you actively did. With this book I worked a lot. But there was one thing I kept myself from looking into any further. It took me a while before I could face the obvious. Interestingly I only worked on recent small blocks or tensions if anything. I didn’t look into my real problem zone. Maybe it was because the fact was already in my mind since I learned about the active/passive-left/right part to it already. My worst blocks are on my right leg and hip. But one day, finally, like scales from your eyes, I took a closer look. Yes. child abuse the letters said. But … it was my active side and it was on my back. It comes from a past life and I did it. I did it?

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I tried talking about it. To the guy who seemed to be my partner, to friends. Everybody deemed I was losing it. Those were the handful of people that had stayed with me after I started talking about my memories. Now I was standing all alone. Noone there to listen to these crazy ideas. And maybe they’re right and this is useless. Because I’m not this person anymore.
But it helped me a lot.
And I want to talk about it!

Because I am the abuser myself. Maybe not in this life, not in this body, not in this second, however it made me understand much more about energies, attachments, about what we call good and evil and how all of it is the same. And as soon as I had accepted this fact, more memories appeared …

Pictures of the meadow from my last post – I’m not who I was – came creeping back into my mind … the meadow I was taken to in the middle of the night. There were other kids. And all of us were blond. There's one specific boy who's face I can see. I guess I liked him. He's got flustered curly hair, blue green eyes. I think he's strong and in any way I rely on him. There was another fire and something scary hanging from a tree. I can’t decide if that’s a death cow or a person or just fabric or anything. It may have been cages. And when we came closer to this fire a strange thing occurred.

All the sudden, I was facing the scene from the other side. It wasn’t the same scene I figured since this time I was fully grown and it seemed another time. And instead of fear I had a mighty feeling. Here’s what I don’t want to write down. Since the obstacle is the way, I make it capitals


I wasn’t shocked to see it. I was calm and felt the truth of this moment. I knew I was a magician, I knew I was powerful and I felt a lot of EGO. I was glad to experience it. It made so much sense to me. It would explain why I’m trying so hard to let go off my ego in this life. I’m balancing out energies. And if I have been the abuser, than it’s logical to experience the other side to it. Karma. Law no. 6 Cause & Effect.

I didn’t feel resistance. I wasn’t mad about my old me. More the opposite. I was grateful. Everything started to make sense. I AM a powerful magician.


That’s why I had no problems manifesting a house for myself. That’s why my magic works out so easily all the time and ultimately: That’s why they woke me up that night and told me I was special. That’s why they took me to the fireplace. I guess …
You’ve got no idea how hard it is for me to assume I would be special. It’s something that I never allowed myself. For so many reasons. But I found out, since the obstacle is the way, whenever I say, do or think something I’m afraid of, it leads to more understanding and new memories. So, when my Ex and I had been to the Wewelsburg that is exactly what he did for me. And I’m so grateful still.

When I collapsed and started crying, he took me aside and made me sit down.
He said I needed to take a break and asked what frustrated me. I said that I am mad about myself. That I wanted to see the meadow and didn’t want to at the same time, that I couldn’t get over myself to just take step after step on a friggin’ meadow. Every cow can walk on gras, why couldn’t I? He said I needed to stop forcing myself. Instead I should try to accept something I didn’t.

They told you you are special. And you don’t wanna hear that.

Of course I didn’t.

If being special makes you someone who gets drugged and raped and messed with, when this sentence is connected to fear and trauma, then anybody tell me, how could I think that that’s a good thing? And there’s much more to it. Higher expectations, play the flute, play the piano, the guitar, tennis, ride a horse, win the swimming competition, your siblings hate the attention you’re getting … my childhood and teenage years were very lonely. Even though I had three siblings. That’s part of why I am so desperately trying to kill my ego in this life. I don’t want to be special. Not in this material way. All of us are. We are infinite souls, wise beings wandering around in a confused humanly body. This day at the Wewelsburg he made me say it.

I am special.

Yes, you are.

I didn’t understand it back then. In understand it while I am writing it down. I am special. I’ve got a special task. In finding out how you are you know what to do on this planet. My voice is needed.

That day I understood how darkness is light, that everything is the same. I’m causing everything I experience. I am a creator. Sometimes the relations are over my head but that’s just because as a human I forgot everything. I came here to experience exactly that. I came here to reconcile. Polarity.

it’s getting darker, still …

continuing here

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