Do you know that feeling, that you have to do something.....but can´t quite remember what?
This story is just that.
I remember being told to write it but I can´t remember what I was supposed to tell you. What I do know is that everything I am going to tell you really happened, even though it may unbelievable sometimes.
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Chapter 41
The devil made me do it, a classic by a great Dutch band. That´s how I felt when Stephie made me go to Sophia´s room. I wasn´t sent to kiss and cuddle, I had to tell her that as of tomorrow she would no longer be welcome in this house.
I felt awful, I would never send someone away, but there was no way to persuade Stephanie to give her a second chance "and that was not her fault but mine," were Stephie's exact words.
I had no clue how to tell Sophia this. She was planning to stay at least 3 weeks more.
As I was used to solving everything for everyone my mind was already racing, because even if she could reschedule....
Where would she stay?
Would she have enough money to last her till she got a flight?
I just could not bring myself to do this and went back to Stephie explaining that I really felt horrible about putting her out in the street like that with no place to go.
"She has a whole day, we have seen enough people leave us with only one day to find something, she will survive," she did not even blink.
Sophia and I had The talk and she was blown away by the news. Whatever I said at that time did not help, she was scared, angry, and blamed us. For which I can´t blame her, I still remember what she said the day she left; "You two should get things sorted before you bring someone new into your house."
The next morning I helped her get her luggage into the cab and explained to the driver that she needed to go to the bus station. I watched the car take of and knew she sat there crying. She did not look back but I saw her shoulders shaking and I felt sick to my stomach.
With no means of contact except for her Whatsapp and with no clue what to say I kept checking her status to see if she had been online. I was so worried that something would happen to her, I checked it daily for weeks, and kept frequently checking for months thereafter maybe even years. Always wanting to type something, never knowing what to say.
Timing is everything they say, and I guess this was just horrible timing on my side. Even though I could agree that you should discuss these things with your partner first before acting on them, I would not have done the same if things were the other way around.
There was nothing left that attracted me to Stephie as a person, except for her body maybe. She had lost all the sparkles that I used to see. Sparkles I saw and felt just talking to Sophia, a girl that physically was miles away from being my type.
There was just nothing left, not even lust could make me want to be intimate with my wife.
This went on for a couple of months I guess, till she told me that she had her needs as well. And that if I was not willing to fulfill those, she had to look outside of our marriage, and she had already done so.
She had met a guy online and she asked me if it was okay to see him at least once. I truly did not care, as long as she would do it safely.
What her question did do to me is think about Sophia, and wonder what if she would have been the workawayer coming next week? My mind should stop that shit, life is to short to go what if.
The lack of sex in our relationship really started to take its toll on Stephie. I noticed that when I had my best friend in Spain over. We were colleagues and he and his girlfriend were leaving Spain to go back to the Netherlands, hence the goodbye dinner.
Stephie normally did not drink, but she had a couple of drinks that night. She could not stop touching the guy and making compliments. She totally embarrassed them and me, it got to a point that it was so bad that I decided to play the "Sorry guys I am so tired, would you mind leaving" card.
Now that escalated quickly because she got furious, telling me how the hell I could be so rude. That if I would have told them to fuck off instead it probably had sounded nicer.
I did not even argue with her. I sat there, watched her and said nothing. That got her so angry that she took the car and left. She did not tell me where she went, and I did not know if she arrived.
The next day I got a text from my friend that she had slept at their place. I think she stayed there for two more nights. He and his girlfriend coached us to talk this through, not knowing how much talking already had happened.
I did not see a way out, no matter how badly I wanted to stay together for Kyrian. This seemed like a road of endless misery and nobody got better from traveling that road for a long period of time.
It was truly over, I did no longer fight her or tried to please her it was done. Still, this was a Hotel California Situation as I could not leave her.
When you truly hit the bottom that is when miracles happen and they did. They who planned my life must have seen and sent help.
Help came in two forms, and it was not until writing this today that I understand what the first form of help was telling me when it draw a picture with two lines and explained I was not on the right track.
As far as my Suisse Chees brain can remember it was also the last time I got a visit from an entity using my girlfriends as a radio, and you never guess who it was. Simply because I never mentioned Raven.
Raven was Stephie´s dog that died during our trip to the Lowlands festival. Her ex was taking care of the dog, felt bad about being away all day, and therefore gave the dog a bone. One it should never have gotten. The splinters of that bone pierced Raven's stomach and he died the next day.
Stephie always said raven was special, but I had only seen him twice. Until that night....
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