The place where the world stopped was not so strange, but the vertigo was overwhelming. The girl could not decide whether or not it would be wise to jump, for her indecision in itself was a testament to her dilemma.
Jump she would if only she didn't dare to hope. Plummeting would be bliss and an end to all this pain. But alas no one would know her story.
I ran a few lights and was disappointed that I didn't encounter any police vehicle to stop me as i refused to look at the letter in the front seat beside me. It almost felt like even a chance glance at it, would seal my already doomed fate.
The drive from the hospital back to my apartment usually took an hour tops which was why i was surprised as i spotted the building housing my apartment up ahead. I must've been distracted not to notice I'd been driving for an hour.
Easing the car into the car park in front of the building, i sat there contemplating whether to go in or not. Going in would mean acknowledging the letter beside me, the one containing the recent result from my last MRI scan.
I was still seated fighting around my indecision when a knock on my car door brought me out of my thoughts. It was my neighbor Joe wondering why I'd been sitting in my car since i parked.
Forcing a smile while assuring him all was well, i grabbed the letter without looking at it and stuffed it in the back pocket of my jeans as i stepped out of the vehicle.
I was soon inside my apartment and decided to take a quick shower, maybe I would be able to think better. Few minutes later I was out of the bathroom and i knew there was no postponing the inevitable. I headed to my bed and plucked the letter out of the jeans on the bed.
Opening it this time didn't do anything to stop me from trembling slightly. The doctor had looked at me almost in pity as he explained that the tumor in my brain could not be surgically removed or in any medical way possible. Hence i had a maximum of six months to live.
Ever since a year ago when I'd begun to experience serious head splitting headaches, the subsequent checkups revealed i had a tumor in my brain. At the time i couldn't afford surgery, but the doctors assured me it wasn't life threatening yet so i decided to wait till i was financially able to pay for the surgery.
After a few months with no changes in my financial state, I'd begun to loose hope in raising the money. It didn't help that i was an orphan with no friends who had grown up passed from one orphanage to another, I'd lived knowing at the back of my mind that life would always deal me a cruel hand.
I'd given up on raising the funds when out of the blue a charity organization had volunteered to pay the bills. Daring to hope in life once again, I'd gone for another checkup today only for the doctors to discover that the tumor had grown and could no longer be surgically operated.
Here i was standing in my apartment holding my letter of doom, with no family or friends to support me and with just six months to live.
What could be more cruel than knowing you had so little time when you've barely lived. I cried myself to sleep that night as i fully wallowed in my despair, loosing hope once again.
I was still sleeping the next morning when i awoke to the persistent ringing of my phone. Ordinarily i would've ignored the call but the caller persisted and i was eventually forced to pick up
"Hello, is this Sapheera Sanders" came a female voice on the line
"Yes i am. who am i speaking with?"
"This call is from Psy Meds. We believe there could be a solution to your condition"
I'd never heard of any Psy Meds and what was confusing was how they knew about my condition.
"If you're interested in the program come to this ......." as she went on to call out an address and the call was disconnected.
I was confused at this point. I knew my hospital wouldn't share my medical records with an unknown party.
But if they knew about my condition, was there a chance that they could remove the tumor successfully. I was reluctant to hope once again but couldn't deny that somewhere deep inside me, i desperately wanted to live.
Struggling out of bed, i got ready and headed out in search of the so called Psy Med. A quick search on the internet revealed it was a private facility with interest in how the brain works.
About forty five minutes later, I drove into their facility and was welcomed by a pair of smiling looking doctors.
The doctors explained that their facility was conducting tests on how to remove tumors from the brain without going through surgery. But i had to sign a non-disclosure agreement to get into the program because it was still at an early testing stage and there could be risks. By all explanations, it seems i was to be used as a lab rat
It was either join the program or die in six months, i didn't think I had much of a choice so i agreed to all their terms one of which was that i would be staying at their facility.
The first hint that something was wrong was two weeks into the program when i met Sam. He was a patient like me and the moment he looked at me and smiled, i knew i was in love.
Prior to this, I'd never been allowed to meet any of the other patients but i caught glimpses of them from time to time.
Sam was a much needed change and we soon started spending time together. He would always come visit in my room and talk to me but he never allowed me visit, he was always guarded about anything regarding him. The security men and doctors never seemed to complain about us but sometimes i thought I caught a glimpse of pitying look.
I didn't care though, at least i was experiencing something joyful whether or not the tests worked. I was sitting in one of my sessions with a doctor when i asked if Sam's condition was getting better.
"Sam? Who's that?" he asked
"What do you mean. Sam the other patient I've been moving around with" I replied
". One of the side effects of this treatment is that you might experience hallucinations" he said "It's not common, but it can happen. There's no Sam"
My heart beating and fearing the words I'd just heard
"Everyone knows who Sam is doctor together doctor" I replied
"Everyone has seen you talking to yourself. We just let you be you seemed to be happy"
Screaming and refusing to believe his words, i dashed out of my room screaming Sam's name. But no one came and soon the security men overpowered me and locked me inside my room.
There was no way they could be telling the truth i thought, Sam was real. I could still remember his last visit and our last kiss.
I had to find Sam, but for the first time since i arrived they didn't allow me leave my room. I was screaming and threatening to leave the facility but no one answered me.
Besides no one even knew i was here and i had signed an agreement to stay here. If I stayed longer i would probably go crazy, i knew i had to escape.
The next morning just as i was being brought breakfast, immediately the door swung open i rammed my forehead into the doctors face as i ran out of the room.
I went straight for the stairs and was rushing down when the alarm sounded. Damn i thought just i jumped a flight of stairs only to come face to face with three security men.
I couldn't go downstairs, so i turned and bolted up the stairs as they pursued.
In no time i burst out of a door at the top of the building and headed straight for the edge. My momentum was too fast and only the railing lining the building edge stopped me from going over as i almost plunged to my death.
For a second i felt the grip of vertigo before i righted my balance. The security men were soon there smiling and knowing i was cornered. I screamed threatening to jump if they came any closer.
Just then the doctor who had been with me the previous night also came up to the roof. He explained that Sam was very real and that they'd only told me he was an hallucination to see what my brain reaction would be after weeks of isolation from the other patients.
Apparently they'd gone through my files and saw I'd lost my family. They wanted to know if my loss was tied to the growing tumor in my brain. And if close ties with someone in a monitored environment would change anything.
The doctor claimed Sam had only been moved to another facility and would be brought back here only if i came back inside.
As i stood at the edge, every fiber of my body knew it was most likely a lie but could i dare to hope or do i jump and end it all.