Alone

He was blind, sudden-blindness it's sometimes called. It's common in elderly cats - detachment of the retina and bleeding causes it. He would wander about the house aimlessly, bumping into things and walking in circles. I'd pick him up and hold him and he'd lay there, head on my chest, shoulder or arm, limp and not at all like the strong fellow he'd always been but Merlin was old, I'd had him for twenty two years.

Merlin was my best friend - the thought of being without him scared me. He knew everything about me; literally everything. He never broke my trust, always knew when to stay silent and listen and always knew just when to head-bump, cuddle or sit quietly beside me - He was intuitive like that and always watched my six.

The photo above...it was...well, it was his last day.

I took this around lunch time. I'd placed this cat basked in my home office and placed him in it; funny, he never used to like this cat basket before. I was working from home, had been for almost four months which was great as I'd spent so much time with Merlin; virtually twenty four hours a day. This day he sat there, eyes so large, and hung his head over the edge. It broke my heart. It broke me down.

I had a tentative booking at the vet for 18:30 that evening but was hoping I could cancel. They suspected he had kidney failure - he had the symptoms - but I hoped he would make a miraculous recovery in the next few hours. I sat beside him, holding his paw recounting some of his escapades which made me laugh and cry. His head would slowly turn to the sound of my voice sometimes. It gave me hope.

At around 17:00 Merlin managed to get himself stuck behind a large cupboard.

He had worked out that following the walls around meant he wasn't as lost but...He was stuck. He'd fretted, vomited and was panicking. He sat there breathing hard, eyes wide in terror and whimpering whilst I emptied the shelves and pulled the cupboard away. When I reached him I scooped him up and held him so close and he calmed down a little - I was crying. I knew the vet appointment would have to happen.

I held his hand as he lay in the unfamiliar room, my other cradling his head. I'd brought a little soft pillow he loved to sit on so he had something that felt like home there. I looked up and nodded to the vet-nurse, watching though tears as the syringe pushed forward. In moments his head sank slowly into my hand as he fell into oblivion and I felt like I'd never be the same without my best friend beside me. We had a bond I thought couldn't be broken but...I felt alone and wretched.

The cat on that card looks like Merlin used to look: Alert, fierce, intense, ready for action...and very cute. Much like me I guess.

Someone recently gave me a little card-set of cat photos with really nice quotes upon them. As I flicked through this card stood out because of the Merlin-cat image. The quote seemed relevant also.

Of course, when Merlin left, I wasn't truly alone as I had Cleo, my little baby, whom I love so much, but Merlin was gone and that made me feel alone, the understanding I'd not have him around ever again. I still miss Merlin eighteen months later and at times, through missing him, I feel very alone...or maybe I mean lonely. Maybe both.

I'm a man who generally values alone-time and it's usually spent with nature: A long hike like I did today, kayaking upon silent waters or camping out in the wilderness away from society and its noise. It's in those places, those moments of solitude, I think best, grow and develop. I find it ironic that a small quote and an image that reminds me of Merlin can bring me similar feelings to those I feel in the solitude with nature.

Merlin reached out to me today, through that card you see above which sits on my desk next to my computer.

I wasn't feeling so great so I stopped and looked at some pictures of him and I together. It made me feel closer to him and more importantly helped me understand that whilst I may be physically alone within me is every feeling I've ever had, every lesson I've ever learned and every memory I've ever experienced...Merlin is in there too and today, despite him being gone, he brought me comfort...But I miss him so much too.