Walking on a thin line

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Five days ago, I forced myself to go out.

I went out to fight the demons I had inside of me. For a short while, I thought I won. But each day, it got worse. I constantly battled with my mind and ruminated on the idea of being gone and disappearing. As each day passed, I still thought about the world without me. I thought it would be better and the people I cared about could find a replacement for me, somewhere, at some point in their life. I tried to shrug the thoughts by pushing through, acting like I am normal, putting on another mask, another day.

And today, I was honest with myself, with everyone that I care about, and with my family.

It all started when I received a message from my thesis supervisor who asked me if I wanted to be put on a transfer list. She will do her PhD and I need to get a new supervisor. I panicked, freaked out, feeling more burden about not being able to finish it quickly and wasting my time away. I convinced myself that I was too stupid for this and that I have zero ability to do things, let alone finishing the course that I used to sort of dreamt of. This became a prison of its own that I voluntarily built.

With a heavy heart, preparing to be more ashamed, I told my supervisor of what had been going on and she was startled. She didn’t see it coming from me. I knew her from the past, different me, different circumstances. I was somewhat active in my department activities where I constantly tried to make some changes in the world, especially my world. A few years passed, the world around me changed a little bit and I am still proud about it knowing that I took part in changing how we view mental health in my environment.

At first, I was afraid that I sounded like I was making an excuse, using my mental health as a shield to guard me from responsibilities. That is alone, the reason why I barely tell anyone other than the void. As I was told once “ there is no excuse and never make excuses for something you are incapable of doing.” I know, it might sound very harsh but that’s life, I guess and I stood by that.

In my desperation, not knowing how I can contain these disturbing thoughts, I wrote something to my personal whatsapp status. I wrote that the amount of money I have and the access to money I have now compared to before is so vastly different. Yet now, I am more sad, more suicidal, more ashamed of myself. As in the past, money was one of my problems and I hustled online and offline to make ends meet, from being a tutor,dropshipper, translator, anything really. It took me a while before I could start comfortably making something to support me and my mom. It was a long effing way and yet suddenly, I am not happy. There were a few things missing from my life that I wished would have been different once I have the money.

And well, this is the part in life where I learned that money can’t buy happiness but depression may be manageable with money.

That status was a cry of help that I finally let my guard down and let everyone know, I have a problem that I don’t know how to solve. I am stuck and please help me. It's not like I didn't seek professional help, a few times before, I went to see a psychologist and therapist but as I was not comfortable talking, it didn't help that much.

Shortly after I put the status on, my biological mom tried calling me.. She tried to call me a few times before I had the guts to pick it up. “ What now? Is she going to bribe me with some money and then try to patch up my feelings with money?” I thought.

Unlike what I thought at first, her tone was different, she was more compassionate which was so unlike her from all these five years I came to know that she’s my mother. She asked me calmly what my problem was. She assured me that what matters in the end is the knowledge that I gained through the years I spent in my classes and while I was outside. She didn’t even try to sell me the idea of “ come join my company, you will be in good hands” instead, she listened to what I have been doing with my life. I told her that I felt so stupid, incapable, and many things. Then, she asked me of my vision, what I wanted in life and those things. I suddenly remembered. For a while, I lost sight of what I wanted in life and now I remember why I am doing all this for, why I worked hard in my life , and the reason I keep holding on today. It's all about finding a place that will help me feel more accepted and have more sense of freedom than where I am currently living.

I spent many years afraid that I won’t be accepted as someone who is skeptical that there are any deities. And even afraid to show that I don’t believe in something my family believes in. I said this publicly a long time ago and I was so ardent about it. That did not go well as I constantly received more threats and nasty comments even from people I used to know closely. From that point, I withdrew from social life, I did not want to be found and I would rather have a quiet life. And I guess, it’s assuring to know of that acceptance, where she told me that it’s okay if I pray to different gods than her. This is, I guess, another thing that is changing in my world where some parts are becoming more conservatives and regressing. At least, there is hope that some people still have the ability to accept differences.

Among many others, she also told me it’s okay if I don’t want to do the 9-5, being a corporate cog, and working in an office. She reminded me once more that what matters is, if things I do make me happy and I am enjoying it. I was afraid that she would be one of those archaic asian moms who would put so much emphasis on money. But it is good to know that she respects the life that I choose.

From that conversation, I told her that I love doing things because I love it and I care a little about whether I make something or not. This is something that was lost from me, the sense of doing something without caring of how much I make or as if that is above everything.

I did that and it brought me to misery.

As much as I resented her, the things she said today brought me reassurance. There was a sense of comfort knowing that I am accepted even though I choose a different life than many of my peers or even my siblings. And from now on, I can try to confidently live again, doing things that guarantee self happiness instead of trying to see the other side and beating myself up.



See you in my next one!



image.pngMac is a content creator that covers literature, books, technology, philosophy, nootropics, productivity, minimalist lifestyle, cybersecurity, and languages. Other than those, she is passionate about cooking and travel. In her free time, she enjoys learning various things. If you like her content, don't hesitate to upvote, leave a comment or a feedback. A re-blog is also appreciated.

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