Lately, everything has been a bit meh. I need to recharge my energy to stay afloat. I don't know how long has it been since I even sit down and think about the future or anything. These days, I am mostly cooking and experimenting with coffee. These are mind numbing activities and now I have reached my peak.
I really want to get back into some adrenaline rush experiences. Coding and Trading are one of them. So, these days to break from the routines, I went traveling with my mom and Ray, my cousin.
Today, I am sitting at my regular coffee shop and having a chat with myself. Where do I want to be next? what should I do? how should I navigate this boat in the rough wind and the ocean?
Obviously, I can't figure shit out in one sitting. But it is worth a try. I always use a techniques called "monkey mind". I write out everything inside my head and make graphs out of them.
Today, I learned that this is the first time after years I no longer feel pressured to make something big in my early 20's. Back when I was 18, I felt very pressured to change the world and make some changes in myself. I wanted to fit myself into the small percentage of people. I wanted to make some differences and bringing some revolutionary ideas. And I tried. I tried very hard and worked really hard until I burnt out. Eventually, I did not reach my goals. Instead, I was lost in the battle due to lack experiences. It took me a while to get back into being fine with failures.
Even at this point, being home is a part of my healing journey. In the past, I visited home briefly. I thought I healed and make amends with the past. Found out I didn't. These days, I finally remembered many reasons why I am still writing, why I work extremely hard, and why I want everything as early as possible.
I have been mocked because of my family financial status. Not only from close family but also "friends" and also in a romantic relationship. I certainly don't call them friends anymore. And being home, reminds me of all these pain that I carried and the reason why I am this person today.
Today I realized that I managed to untwist one of my childhood traumas. Now, I will never intend to please anyone but myself. Because living life trying to please others are just wasting time. I should have known but I think life has its own way to teach me lesson that I heard from others.
Through this, I am trying to tell myself to take some breaks. It's okay to sleep and not attend anyone right away. Everything has its time. It's okay if I don't have a house by 23, or don't have a family by 25. I'll take life a bit more easier and enjoy every step I take whilst also planning the future. No rush Mac! You're still young 😸