Think With Caffeine #72: Rejuvenating Energy

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Lately, everything has been a bit meh. I need to recharge my energy to stay afloat. I don't know how long has it been since I even sit down and think about the future or anything. These days, I am mostly cooking and experimenting with coffee. These are mind numbing activities and now I have reached my peak.

I really want to get back into some adrenaline rush experiences. Coding and Trading are one of them. So, these days to break from the routines, I went traveling with my mom and Ray, my cousin.

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Today, I am sitting at my regular coffee shop and having a chat with myself. Where do I want to be next? what should I do? how should I navigate this boat in the rough wind and the ocean?

Obviously, I can't figure shit out in one sitting. But it is worth a try. I always use a techniques called "monkey mind". I write out everything inside my head and make graphs out of them.

Today, I learned that this is the first time after years I no longer feel pressured to make something big in my early 20's. Back when I was 18, I felt very pressured to change the world and make some changes in myself. I wanted to fit myself into the small percentage of people. I wanted to make some differences and bringing some revolutionary ideas. And I tried. I tried very hard and worked really hard until I burnt out. Eventually, I did not reach my goals. Instead, I was lost in the battle due to lack experiences. It took me a while to get back into being fine with failures.

Even at this point, being home is a part of my healing journey. In the past, I visited home briefly. I thought I healed and make amends with the past. Found out I didn't. These days, I finally remembered many reasons why I am still writing, why I work extremely hard, and why I want everything as early as possible.

I have been mocked because of my family financial status. Not only from close family but also "friends" and also in a romantic relationship. I certainly don't call them friends anymore. And being home, reminds me of all these pain that I carried and the reason why I am this person today.

Today I realized that I managed to untwist one of my childhood traumas. Now, I will never intend to please anyone but myself. Because living life trying to please others are just wasting time. I should have known but I think life has its own way to teach me lesson that I heard from others.

Through this, I am trying to tell myself to take some breaks. It's okay to sleep and not attend anyone right away. Everything has its time. It's okay if I don't have a house by 23, or don't have a family by 25. I'll take life a bit more easier and enjoy every step I take whilst also planning the future. No rush Mac! You're still young 😸

Mac

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Mac covers technology, philosophy, nootropics, books, productivity, minimalist lifestyle, cybersecurity and languages. Other than those, she is passionate about cooking and travel. In her free time, she enjoys learning art and exploring new hobbies.
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