The mountain was peeking through the clouds. It was just slightly visible from inside the car as if it wanted to remind many of us about its existence. I did not expect that today the sky was going to be bright. In fact, I was hoping it would rain so I could match my doom and gloom mood for the day. And just a few hours before that, I had some thoughts, thoughts that should not be there, the thoughts that I have been constantly battling, everyday, every-single-day.
Unlike many months ago or even years ago, I am trying to be proactive about it. I learned that the demon feeds off isolation. I learned that the more I isolate myself, the more I would find ways to be gone. I tried feeding off that in the past but here I am, still talking to you, to this void too.
So, I forced myself lately to go outside. To see the world and hope one day, it’s not all that gray. While on my way today, I wondered how people would see the world, is it all just gray or it has different colors?
A few hours passed and being in the middle of people, listening to people’s rant about the current political climate, the current social conventions, it was all soothing, knowing that maybe I am not alone, everyone struggled like I do. I have the habit of talking to random strangers when I am outside and today, I am getting in contact with a driver who offered his driving service. It would be nice because sometimes I thought about traveling and finding a trusted rental service is difficult.
In the end, managed to shun away the demons by being outside. Once I was inside my room, I felt like I just won a life and death battle. I don’t know how long this will be but I am going to remember that whenever this happens, I would just go outside instead of succumbing in isolation. Even when I was living with my mother, it was no different. She would notice how drastically my mood changes and how often I went out to the balcony late at night or when I bought the rope out of nowhere. Then, she would always just tell me to walk with her around. Even after knowing all the things she did, I felt even more of a burden. I swear, it’s weird how this thing is as it alters my perceptions of people and even my loved ones.
Some people cope with it through destructive ways,I tried to cope with it through a healthier way. I had my times dealing with it through destructive ways that even brought more guilt. And now, it’s time for something better.