It seemed like I had been gone for ages. Maybe that was true the last time I visited my Home Country was January 2018, but I had not visited my mother's house. This must have been the first time in 10 years.
Jon and Vangelis - I'll Find My Way Home
I spent enough time writing about my mom on her so if you´re curious to find out why...just read a couple of my previous Personal Stories with a Soundtrack.
As you know time heals all wounds and divorcing sometimes speeds up the healing of other wounds. And with the scabs growing, wounds were healing and contact was slowly reestablished.
So I went back home, first time in a decade. But in all honesty, the house I grew up in was no longer my home.
I left it many years ago and never intended to come back, and after visiting it for the first time since the renovation nothing reminded me of the house I grew up in. Now I am not at all teary-eyed or anything, I left and have always been very glad to have done so.
Over time I experienced that blood ties are stronger than almost anything even after so many years of silence.
Those years thought me a lot. I went through a lot of shit all by myself, and that has always been my thing. Doing it by myself, and I did it. I pulled through and came out the other side of this rebirth channel without choking to death.
SPOIWO - Years of Silence
Only when I passed those initiations by myself, It felt like time to go back home. Of course, that was easier written than done. How do you go back home to people you have not spoken to for years?
Well, I did the Hallmark thing and it actually worked. Yes, a simple postcard with a picture of yours truly did the job. It´s not about what or how you do it, it is about breaking down that resistance you carry inside you and doing it. So I guess flower or chocolate also would have worked.
That Resistance is what held me back for so long, not that I did not want to communicate. But rather that I did not want to be the bigger of the two. In my mind it should not be the child, but the parent that waves a white flag and says....what happened, happened but if you are okay with it let´s look to a future that we can share once again.
That dear reader never happened, and looking back it´s not important. It just sets the right perspective, and yes I don´t mind being the wiser one. But as a kid you want your parents to be the wiser.
Myles Kennedy: "Love Can Only Heal"
On the other hand, if our parents did a good job we should grow up better than them, and maybe that is what happened. In any case non of us are getting any younger, and sometimes you got to let bygones be bygones.
Still, I keep that little nagging feeling in the back of my mind to check my rear-view mirror every now and then. That trust that you had as a kid, is no longer there. At least not as unconditional as it once was.
Kensington - Home Again
Now that house might no longer be the home it was, I must admit that I have not felt so much support from my family as when I visited their house last week.
I guess I came home to a whole new house and a whole new relationship.