Since the holiday fell on Tuesday, I used one of my compensatory day offs on Monday for me to have a long and straight rest. And to cap off my four day rest day, I decided to visit the municipality of Daanbantayan once again. This time, during the daytime as I desire to watch the sunset at their boardwalk.
I arrived at their public plaza at 4 in the afternoon. I took a stroll around wanting to discover its beauty on a daytime perspective. If you happened to read one of my blogs, I had a spontaneous night ride to the municipality on a weekend. That was only a short visit and I promised to do it again on the said time. Their boardwalk was my main agenda for the visit and walked straight to it since it was only a few steps to where my motorcycle was parked. It actually intrigued me as an Opacarophile, the moment I saw the Municipality's Facebook page post.
The sun was beaming at that time which was not yet advisable to spend my solitary moments there. Hence, I roamed around the area to be familiarized. Their food park is just a minute walk from the boardwalk which was my next itinerary. Most of the stores had just opened and most of them sells barbeque.
It was too early for dinner and I was still full so, I walked outside the vicinity. I heard loud cheers that came from their covered court. Due to my curiosity, I tried to check what the commotion was all about. And there, a volleyball tournament welcomed me.
I stopped by to watch the game and cheered until finished. The team I was rooting for got defeated but nonetheless, it was a great game. Afterwards, I went outside for another stroll and passed by their church and their public plaza.
I got thirsty and was craving for a sweet drink so, I walked my way to the store that sells milktea, shakes, coffees and fries. It took me a while to decide what to order and after 15 minutes, I ended with Taro Cheesecake.
Moments later, I got my drink and walked again to the boardwalk as it was already 5 in the afternoon. The sun is about to set. I then sat on one of the benches enjoying my drink which was too sweet.
Not satisfied with my view, I went a little closer to the sea and sun. My hometown, Bogo City, has a wharf where you could view the sun set but I wanted a different environment. It felt great strolling around an area as a complete stranger. No one knows me and if they would judge me, I couldn't care less.
I sat on one of the edges facing the sun, wore my ear pods and listened to some of my favorite music while taking a sip of my Taro Cheesecake. That moment calmed me and my probing mind. I just stared at the infinite saltwater ocean embracing the rays of the sun as if it was comforting me. I was admiring the charm of the ocean in front of me that it had brought me to my own little world.
Something happened last Friday, August 2, that definitely triggered me and had greatly affected my mental health once again. I was bothered up to this day. And maybe that was the reason I wanted to do sunset watching to clear my mind aside from the boredom.
My solitude made me reflect that people tend to forget that there is always two sides of the coin. They are quick to judge and assume without caring to flip the other side of it. All they know is I was living the life in Cebu. They think that I have it all together. Actually, those were just my coping mechanism from all my struggles from mental, emotional, physical and financial. I guess, I was just so good in hiding those.
Never did they know the silent battles I overcome and the inner demons I dealt with. Never did they know that my declining mental health greatly affected my performance at work. Never did they know the suicidal thoughts I kept on resisting. Never did they know the tears I cried until it put me to sleep. Never did they know how messed up my life was since my mother passed away. Never did they know the mask I would always wear everyday at work, pretending that I was okay where in-fact, deep inside, I was already breaking.
All those, I surpassed on my own as I had no one with me and no one could save and help me but myself. I have to keep those all to myself because when I tried opening it up, they could not understand me. All the more, I don't want my family to worry about me and be a burden. That taught me to become independent and those were the reason I was used to doing things on my own up until today. My independency was and is still on its peak but during my lowest times, it ate the hell out of me. It felt lonely.
They didn’t know how I worked so hard to keep me sane. And they didn’t know how I fought so hard to where I am right now, to attain this kind of peace and sanity I have currently. I prayed for this. It is just so sad and painful to know that there is no one to defend me that even I had a hard time defending myself since I am not that expressive. I could not find the right words.
Thinking of those while seeing the sun sets created a misty eyes in me and got too emotional. I tried my best to hold back my tears to avoid any ruckus. I inhaled deeply and composed myself since it was already getting dark. It was time for me to go home. I needed to rest for tomorrow's work.
As the saying goes, "You can't control the wind, but you can adjust the sails".
You can't really control what other people think of you.
You can't please them.
But it is entirely your decision how you react and handle the situation whether for your self improvement or self-destruction.
And that is all for this blog. Thank you for reading. Until the next one.
With so much love - XOXO,
Bev 😘
