Prologue: What is compassion? Religions have taught us that if we feel sorry for another human being then we are good people. If we jump to help them, save them from their own misery and create a better life for them, then we do good, we "save a soul". I am suggesting here, and perhaps you hear it for the first time, that true compassion is the ability to respect the other person's choices, without inflicting our own agenda on them. I claim that if we stand behind the wall, observing the reality while being a standard, our contribution to the universe is greater than anything else. This Q&A serves as an example of this notion.
Hi,
I have a friend who has dated a guy from her work for the past year. This man has a girlfriend so the affair with my friend is secretive. Once every several months they break up because he blames my friend for causing him stress and for demanding too much. The thing is that because my friend is so weak she gives in and goes back to him soon after the breakup. In their relationship, she doesn’t have a right to express her opinion and the guy makes all the decisions. If he wants to meet – they meet; if he wants to cold shoulder her, he does. When she does something that he doesn’t like he automatically threatens to leave her. And because she can’t live without him, my friend gives up and becomes submissive.
I am very sad about my friend’s situation. I talk with her a lot but when I say some hard things straight to her face she shuts off and doesn’t listen. Therefore, most of the time I am just there to listen.
To what extent should I support my friend when I know that she is ruining her life? And what else can I do?
Hillary
Hillary,
Helping and supporting your loved ones is a noble and appropriate act. You only need to remember though not to give up on your own needs for your friend’s sake. In that regard, you must be selfish. When we serve others by giving too much we sometimes tend to sacrifice our own welfare and that eventually drains our own reservoirs and impedes us from further giving.
What can you do?
As you correctly observed your friend preserves her self as a weak person who is dependent on the love and attention she receives from the man. She feeds off of him and that connection cannot be broken from the outside. Your friend needs to learn to be strong. She has to learn about her inner essence that is the real source that sustains her being. The first step is through empowerment and by developing and enhancing her self-esteem.
The point is that when your friend learns about herself she will no longer need this guy for validation and reassurance. She will have more control over her own reality and that will mean that she can observe her life from a certain vantage point. Then she will know that she deserves to have much more and will look for a solution to her situation.
As a friend, you may do two main things:
- Empower her by inflicting your agenda. There are numerous ways to do that - workshops, books, social games – and you could find the material you need on the internet. Most people resort to this method when helping others BUT in most cases this way does not succeed. Why? because the other person is not ready. You witnessed this yourself as your friend clumped when you tried to put sense into her.
- Be a standard - your friend knows that she is trapped. She is not stupid. She knows that there is something better, and deep inside she knows she deserves more. The problem is that she does not believe herself. She still plays the game of being a victim, and the more you scold her the worse service you do. The best thing you can do is to set an example. Create for yourself the best relationship ever and share with her the beautiful moment you have. She will automatically feel this and the change will occur naturally.
Good luck to you both.
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