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I've gotten to that stage in my life where I'm becoming more conscious, paying attention to the inner "me" and listening to my subconscious even deeper and why not? Life's of different stages and the different stages determines what we truly need and the experiences we need to truly go through or feel. This is also because we're different people in the various stages of our lives and it comes to a time where we stop bustling, where we stop being edgy, hasty or too impatient in other to be more purposeful, more precise and more calmer. My life has been turbulent for many years. I grew up in a very toxic family and I had challenging health issues and i lived a life where I never mind what happened to me.
Due to the fact that I had a turbulent teenage years, I've grown to become more thoughtful of my conditions, as a result of my health challenges it's been difficult to go for my dreams, chase my ambitions on a full throttle and Irrespective of the fact that I silently want to go out there, stake a claim, make a name, I've decided that the best thing for me was to strive, stay alive and move in a relatively good pace. I've discovered that life isn't a competition, sometimes we draw tracks and put parameters when we should just see life as a strole in the park and as I grew older I decided to become more inward and less outward thereby giving myself the opportunity to pay more attention to me.
However what quality or what essence do I really crave for and would ultimately bright me fulfilment?; due to the fact that I wanted to do "me" I grew distant from people. The process of discovery of what I really am made me shut out people from my life, I was struggling to find an identity to present as "me" and because I couldn't find I decided to entirely shut out my social "self", I became a mystery to the people who used to know me and they too began to distance themselves seeing that i am becoming seemingly too opaque and they withdraw from me. One thing is that I felt I needed to shut out the outside noise to hear or see the inner "me" and this included shutting my life off to the outside world because I didn't know how to openly be me, I didn't know how people could accept my health issues and deal with it. Would they see me in that light as being weak? Will they feel and see inability, pity or pain whenever they look at me? This was the reason why I grew distant from people.
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Nevertheless no one can live alone and in this stage and moment of my life i feel all I need to find fufillment is companionship
This isn't suprising since I lived most of my youthful years in seclusion. Apart from having health issues I never grew up in a loving family and I saw the coldness in my family and the loveless marriage of my parent. It was like the world was going to be totally the same. I never had the opportunity to have best of friends, I didn't know what it felt like to play football with friends or play high school banter. I was always afraid of what would happen with my health, always afraid of how queer I was, afraid of moving to another neighborhood once I've made friends and then my father whisks us away to a new neighborhood. We were always moving to new neighborhood and this was difficult for me, my health and how I ended up growing up.
Even in this present day, i still try to live a private life and that was facilitated by my curiosity to find out how to handle my health issues and of course present myself while carving an identity for myself. I do not have up to ten close friends and most of them don't even know about my health issues and because of the fact that I don't want to appear weak i often to say off people rather than asking me embarrassing questions. However I've discovered that people are meant to talk and they'll talk inasmuch as I've carried this Identity or burden, I've found out that I need new friends in my life, I need love in my life and I need all round companionship in other not be alone in my life anymore.
Loneliness is why we often tend to measure our worth and we find nothing deserving, it brings a feel of depression and inferiority complex and that's why i feel like I need the right kind of companionship to remind myself of how much I'm not the things I mentioned earlier. In times we definite what we want and this brings tranquility and fulfilment.
Interested in some more of my works?
The Motivating To Stay Mentally Healthy In An Unmotivated Universe
The Nigerian State; What Change Would Generally Influence The Economy & More?
Scouting In Football; A Failed Commercialised Venture In Most Football Clubs?
Our Love... That Glitters.... (An Original Poetry)
Doing Right By Our Consciousness; Is Death Always Peaceful As It Is Often Thought?
What Is And Isn't The True Definition Of Weakness?
My name is @Josediccus, a young Nigerian student who is a Vlogger, A Psychologist, Poet And Sports Writer/Analyst. I'm using my contents as a process to create shared meaning as well as create expressions through which people on/off hive can relate. I believe content is a process to be enjoyed and relished and I'm up for any collaborations in my field stated above. Cheers
@Josediccus, your brother-in-pen & heart
I'm hoping to reach more people who are broken at heart and spirit, so share on any platform or reblog