I often joke that the reason I disappeared from blogging on the blockchain for 2 and a half years was that I wasn't feeling particularly 'Holistic'. I wasn't the person I wanted to be back then and when we feel inauthentic it makes it hard to write about things we are passionate about.
“Rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life.” – J.K. Rowling
It's funny how the above quote can seem so far from the truth when we hit rock bottom. We are dragged to the point of desperation, clinging on to the last threads of the very thing that is destroying us thinking that it is the only way forward, afraid of completely letting go in fear of landing with a huge thud and staying that way. But remaining stagnated in situations that are not good for us is far worse than actually letting go and allowing the storm to pass.
Somehow, this quote became my inspiration and reassurance that I could change things
This time 2 years ago, I couldn't even see a way out of the dire situation I was in and the string of events that led me to make what felt like at the time, one of the worst decisions I had to make in my entire life. I literally hit rock bottom and couldn't see a way out of it.
Six months I felt this way, but by the sixth month, I decided to do something about it. Too long I had allowed my life to be controlled and very often went against my intuition. This lack of trust in myself led me into an internal conflict with my soul. For what was best for my children and me. I knew I needed to make a change when at my lowest point, the thought of ending my life seemed like the only solution.
But for my children's sake, I chose not to leave them traumatized by my own self-pity party and decided to be the change that they needed to see. To step up and be a strong role model to them.
I knew I needed to start living my life authentically and start setting good examples for them.
It became clear that in order to move forward, I first needed to accept responsibility for my actions, and learn from my mistakes. I had heaps of healing to do, whilst staying present and strong for my kids. I chose not to blame those that had negatively influenced my life and forgave them. It was after all, my decision to allow my life choices to be influenced by them.
So, with little more than a small suitcase and a backpack, my boys and I returned to the UK to build a new life. I needed to be with all my children, not just half of them.
The pandemic provided an unlikely and welcome leaning post to my healing as the pressure of immediately finding work was nulled thanks to the lockdowns. I chose to use this time to focus on my children during the day and my wellbeing at night.
The journey began by growing my Facebook page, Peace Love, and Happiness. I started sharing uplifting memes and quotes and sometimes made my own for the page, like the one pictured above. I intended to try and grow the page to send uplifting messages to people struggling with mental health and wellbeing. It soon became clear that as much as I was giving this to others, it was also a way of healing my own scars. Towards the end of last year, I stopped posting though. Maybe subconsciously this married up with the start of the uphill shift my life was taking.
I started practicing yoga again and exercise in the form of nature and beach walks were the highlight of our days. Making macrame bracelets and playing my guitar regularly. It was a time of growth, healing, and learning.
Today I feel content. Today I feel nurtured. Today I feel happy. I'm in love with life and enjoy feeling present.
Today, life has come full circle and the wrongs that I experienced two years ago are righted. I am fully present for my children but find balance by being able to nourish my soul with the things that are in tune with who I am.
Blessed by nature, walking barefoot offers a grounding that speaks to my soul, telepathic communication that no words can ever describe. Working on swimming in the COLD sea, freezing my butt off, but doing it anyway because it feels so amazingly refreshing.
Nourished in the company of other kindred spirits. Friendships of possibilities, beautiful souls with hearts of gold who share a love of music and natural medicine. People I can meet on the beach and randomly jam with. Friends who hug each other.
I am becoming the person I always wanted to be. No longer a watered-down version hiding from the world. I live my life full of smiles and kindness. I don't allow negativity to penetrate my soul. I acknowledge it and look for ways to overcome obstacles. I am a fighter who fights with peaceful means.
I can freely help others the way I want to without being told that I shouldn't. I speak my mind and stand strong to my beliefs, without forcing my views on others or making them feel bad for having differing opinions to mine. I feel I have gained a new sense of strength and independence.
I am slowly becoming the person that my childhood self needed growing up. I don't claim to be perfect and know that life is one big journey of self-discovery and finding ways to improve. What I do know, from the way my children receive me is that those changes that I set out to make are positive ones.
I have learned to embrace my differences and no longer care about the judgment of others. What matters most to me now, is making sure that my children know that they are my priority. I can confidently express to them when I have got it wrong, I am not afraid to apologize to them if I get it wrong or if I am having a bad day. I want them to see that it's ok to express how we feel. To do it in a way that doesn't hurt others and if we do, to accept responsibility and in our actions, guide the way to making it right.
In amongst all these positive emotions, the odd anxiety or stress-induced emotions have surfaced but on a scale of 10, they have been a 1 or 2.
When we allow our feelings to get the better of us it can wear us down, creating a darkness that overshadows even the happy moments in our lives. It penetrates so deep filling any space and stifling the growth of happiness.
Letting go allows us to live as authentically as we can, to analyze and learn. To live in a way that we want to without harming others. I am fully embracing who I am becoming and my heart and soul are starting to feel complete.
Learning to let go has been a huge help in reducing the suffering from negative feelings. The shackles are off and my soul is free. I am becoming a person who trusts her intuition, who lives authentically, and believes in the magic of our world. No longer afraid or indecisive and aiming to be mindful in all I do.
Barefoot earth dweller,
Worshipping the stars.
Kindness spreader, awareness raiser,
Trying to waste less,
Living life with less stress.
Throwing bombs of love.
Peace is in my soul,
Abundance and sharing,
Mindfully helping and present,
Filling up cups with love and smiles.
Music makes me happy,
My kids make my heart whole.