Probably you've seen a trillion memes and read this all over the place. But just because it's a widely spread idea doesn't mean it's true or the best thing you could live by. And I'm telling you this because I've been living on this for far too long.
Today I've had a really rough day trying to pull myself together. The owner of the house left on a trip about a week ago and I've been alone since then (in company of a dog and two kittens, but I am referring to the absence of other humans). I've been alone before and for extended periods of time (months even without any human contact) and there were painful moments such as the ones I've experienced today.
The thing is, when I interrupted my hermitage a few years ago it was to reconnect with people, to embrace community again and to stop hiding from fears. But it has been incredibly hard to do so and today I had a wake-up call regarding this heavily engrained idea which had become a serious limitation to do so.
Perhaps I've taken this too literally. I can agree that all that exists is within but if we observe what we can perceive with our exterior senses, it becomes obvious that all people are different, that each one has something to offer. Their originality, creativity, ways of showing love and the interactions they provide... I can't say that I can give that to myself the same way they give it to me!
Even in some small things such as the way they smile or a particular look in their eyes. How could I have been so arrogant to think that all of it was just me and that there was no one else out there? Worse of all, I have become so attached to this idea that every time I was beginning to form a relationship that showed the slightest dependency I would immediately retreat into my shell and say "it's all in me, I don't need that person".
So, no! Everything is NOT within yourself. Community is outside. Collaboration is outside. Empathy is within but it exists when you place yourself outside. The only way you practice these things is by stepping the fuck outside yourself!
Today I wondered: "why am I here alone? Why am I not interesting to anyone? Why doesn't anyone else care about the Earth and is here helping me restore the forest and fight the drought? Are we just a few stupid idiots trying to save the planet when it's obvious that we are outnumbered beyond solution?"
And then I thought about the several times I've had to team up with others on this quest. Sure, they didn't have the same ideas on how to do it, but part of collaborating is learning from each other and coming to a consensus. Instead of being tolerant, I would say: "everything I seek in them is within me, I can do this myself in the way I believe". And there I would go, waging mental war on society because I couldn't meet people who were on the same page as me.
So I've come to the conclusion that this idea is a comfort zone for those who don't dare and go out there to expose themselves to others. Unfortunately, none of us is perfect and we will say things that irritate others as well as they will do the same towards us. We will clash and confront, but we will also help and take care. We are not less spiritual for facing these "flaws", which are actually part of the beauty we have to offer to others.
I no longer want to continue feeling that I can't depend on anyone and that no one should depend of me because I am "sinning" in some way that will ruin my "perfect spiritual journey" of finding absolutely everything within. I want to be able to stick around through the good and the bad, to see other solutions other than retreating constantly to my shell where I feel safe and protected under the excuse of meditation.
This makes me understand why many Zen monks find the need to live in society for they see meditation as an ongoing practice that should not depend on closing your eyes in a silent place, but rather it should happen all the time and every place you go.
I think for now I'll go now with the phrase: "everything you seek is everywhere".
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