Fears come in all shapes and sizes. There are the surface fears; bugs, heights, crowded spaces, etc. But I believe all of us carry some deeper, more existential fears. Fear of death, fear of suffering, fear of being forgotten, fear of failure, embarrassment, getting old, commitment, fear of others not returning our feelings, fear of being alone, fear of missing out, fear of uncertainty...
For a long time I could say, with certainty that I understood my fears. And then I faced the deepest ones and now I realize that there are other fears hiding behind them, things I hardly thought about.
For the longnest time, my two biggest fears were of death, and failure. The idea of not being in this body, of going through an experience that doesn’t seem to make any sense and crossing over into another stage of existence, or even into nothing. It shook me up so bad.
Also the idea that I might not achieve my goals, that I might mess it all up and never do all the things I want.
I think facing these fears is where true growth comes from and freeing ourselves from them is where we finally become the person we wish to be. And then from there we find a new way to grow, a new demon to face, and we do it all again.
These days, I feel more fear about suffering. I’ve felt my fair share for my age, and the idea of more of it just seems like something I wouldn’t be able to sit through. That’s not to say I wouldn’t try.
My biggest fear at this stage, is a different level to that old fear of failure. I’m no longer afraid of failing but I’m not scared of missing the chance to try.
I don’t have to become successful but it feels quite hard to face a future in which I don’t even have a chance to make a serious attempt.
I still want to see different corners of the world. I want to try and make a difference. I want to be known....now this is a funny thing because it was exactly what I was running away from before.
I thought being known was not what I wanted because I was focused on all the bad that comes with it. Now I realize just how fun it must be to be Joe Rogan. Interested in someone? Call them up and have a podcast. If people like it they may introduce you to other cool people. It must be so fun to pick the brains of talented and creative people, and to do so in a way that others can benefit as well
Being in the spotlight affords you this. You have an idea and people pay attention. I like it better than being ignored, now that I’ve experienced both to some extent.
I’ll still try to face this fear head on. Maybe I’ll never be able to finish all the stories I hope to finish. Maybe my album will never come out. Maybe I’ll never own a house or have kids or have financial freedom. Maybe I won’t even get a chance to put all my energy into it because something will stop me.
I’ll still do my best to face every day with excitement and passion, as much as I can muster.
What about you? What do you fear?-
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