El amor nunca tiene razones, y la falta del amor tampoco. Todo son milagros.
— Eugene O'Neill
Mi primer pensamiento fue llevármelo a casa, aunque sea por última vez, quería que estuviese conmigo. Mi vida dependía de sus caricias, su aliento sobre mi cuello era mi salvación; el propósito que me permitía seguir adelante en esta vida que ahora estaba abrumada de desolación.
El último destello que me dejaron sus ojos negros, fueron el trazo que me cautivó. Los grilletes de la nostalgia ya me inmovilizaban, como un ave enjaulada o un loco salvaje que anhela el arrullo de la libertad. Esa tarde era fría, densa, infinita, la cafetería era ruidosa (era la primera vez que la sentía así), parecíamos dos viejos amigos apunto de despedirse. Él solo observaba los últimos sorbos de su café expresso, pero yo solo vislumbraba sus labios, ¡como deseaba besarlos! ¡Sentía que me moría lentamente, como si tuviera una herida en el costado que me drenaba la sangre!
—Entonces… ¿te vas a Inglaterra? —Le pregunté— ¿Eso viniste a decirme?
Él, como era de esperarse, no contestó al instante, se tomaba su tiempo mirando a todas partes como si fuese un niño con autismo. La pupila de sus ojos cafés se perdía en el maremoto de movimientos y gestos. Sentía que navegaba en contra de una tormenta de indiferencia solo para quererlo alcanzar, agitado por la cruel desesperanza.
Todo parecía perdido, él solo tenía que decir una palabra para yo levantarme y dejar el masoquismo por esta prisión. Sin embargo... yo….
—Ray, ¿todavía puedo llamarte así? —Me preguntó, en ese momento pensé que mi cabeza iba a explotar.
—Sí… —contesté trémulo. Me estremecía cada vez que él me decía ese seudónimo.
Ray, Ray, Ray, todavía recuerdo esos instantes pasionales en la cama, cuando su voz se vertía sensualmente sobre mi oído y su cuerpo desnudo se frotaba con el mío.
—Todavía tengo semanas para decidir si me voy —prosiguió, mi corazón quería salirse del pecho—, solo quería verte para decirte que nunca olvidaré lo que vivimos.
El castillo de naipes se fue desmoronando…
Por fuera, yo parecía una estatua boquiabierta, atravesada por cientos de puñales invisibles que me mantenían herido e inmóvil. No sabía que decir. No sabía que pensar. Mi alma estaba atrapada en un delirio de tristeza.
Él se veía tan tranquilo, tan inmutable, se pasaba la mano por su hermoso cabello castaño para acomodar sus trémulos lacios. Me dio una sonrisa, una de alegría; no sabía como tomarla, estaba lleno de dudas y decepción.
—¿No vas a decir nada? —Me preguntó.
«¿Y qué podría decir?» pensaba «¿Qué debía hacer? ¿Arrastrarme? ¿Suplicar? ¿Eso serviría de algo?»
—Creo que… solo puedo estar feliz por ti, Armando. Siempre lo he estado, no sabes lo contento que estoy por como te va en la vida ahora—. Mentí, por dentro sentía que la frustración me estrujaba las entrañas.
—Fueron momentos muy divertidos, en serio, jamás los olvidaré —recalcó ostentando una sonrisa.
Sonaba hermoso viniendo de él, pero me sumergí en un mar de dudas tratando de descifrar si era verdad lo que decía. Tal vez sí… no lo sé… quizás solo estaba siendo amable, quizás es su manera de despedirse y sellarlo todo de una vez. Todo esto es mi culpa, por sentir cosas, por cruzar los límites de lo prohibido.
Como deseaba que dijera esas palabras, esas que me dejarían atado para siempre a él.
Se levantó de la silla, dejó solo unos tragos de café en su taza, se colocó las gafas de sol y sacó dinero de su bolsillo y lo colocó sobre la mesa. —Yo pago la cuenta, gracias por venir—, dijo sin más, y se alejó hasta que la distancia devoró su silueta para siempre.
Fui tonto. Iluso. Un osado seducido por la esperanza. Pensé que si daba todo de mi parte podría cambiar las cosas, ese fue el problema, pensé…
Hubiera desafiado al juicio de miradas sobre mí. Hubiera destripado las doctrinas de mi fe que me reprendían y no me permitían amar. Hubiera destronado a la inseguridad como único monarca del reino de mi cuerpo. Pero sabía en el fondo que él no iba a dejar tan fácilmente a su familia; a su esposa e hijos, en serio pensé que me saldría con la mía. Todo lo hubiera dado, todo lo hubiera hecho para verlo feliz, si solo él me hubiera dicho: «Vente conmigo».
FIN
Love never has reasons, and neither does the lack of love. Everything is miracles.
— Eugene O'Neill
COME WITH ME
My first thought was to take him home if only for the last time, I wanted him to be with me. My life depended on his caresses, his breath on my neck was my salvation; the purpose that allowed me to move forward in this life that was now overwhelmed with desolation.
The last glint left in my eyes, his black eyes, were the traces that captivated me. The shackles of nostalgia already immobilized me, like a caged bird or a wild madman longing for the lullaby of freedom. That afternoon was cold, dense, and infinite, the cafeteria was noisy (it was the first time I felt it that way), and we looked like two old friends about to say goodbye. He was just watching the last sips of his espresso, but I was just glimpsing his lips, how I wanted to kiss them! I felt like I was dying slowly as if I had a wound in my side that was draining my blood!
"So... are you going to England? -I asked him, "Is that what you came to tell me?
He, as expected, did not answer instantly, he took his time looking everywhere as if he were a child with autism. The pupil of his brown eyes was lost in the tidal wave of movements and gestures. He felt like he was sailing against a storm of indifference only to want to catch up, agitated by the cruel hopelessness.
All seemed lost, he only had to say one word for me to stand up and leave masochism for this prison. However... I...
-Ray, can I still call you that? -He asked me, at that moment I thought my head was going to explode.
"Yes..." I answered tremulously. I shuddered every time he said that nickname.
Ray, Ray, Ray, Ray, I still remember those passionate moments in bed, when his voice poured sensually into my ear and his naked body rubbed against mine.
"I still have weeks to decide if I'm leaving," he continued, my heart wanting to burst out of my chest, "I just wanted to see you and tell you that I'll never forget what we experienced.
The house of cards was falling apart...
On the outside, I looked like a dumbfounded statue, pierced by hundreds of invisible daggers that kept me wounded and immobile. I didn't know what to say. I did not know what to think. My soul was trapped in a delirium of sadness.
He looked so calm, so unchanging, running his hand through his beautiful brown hair to arrange his trembling locks. He gave me a smile, one of joy; I didn't know how to take it, I was full of doubt and disappointment.
"Aren't you going to say anything?" he asked me.
"And what could I say?" I thought "What should I do? Crawl? Beg? Would that do any good?"
"I think... I can only be happy for you, Armando. I always have been, you don't know how happy I am about how your life is going now. I lied, inside I felt frustration squeezing my insides.
"Those were fun times, really, I'll never forget them," he said with a smile on his face.
It sounded beautiful coming from him, but I plunged into a sea of doubts trying to decipher if what he was saying was true. Maybe it was... I don't know... maybe he was just being nice, maybe it's his way of saying goodbye and sealing it all at once. This is all my fault, for feeling things, for crossing the boundaries of the forbidden.
How I wished he would say those words, those words that would leave me forever bound to him.
He got up from his chair, left only a few gulps of coffee in his cup, put on his sunglasses took money out of his pocket, and placed it on the table. "I'll pay the bill, thanks for coming," he said without further ado and walked away until the distance devoured his silhouette forever.
I was foolish. Deluded. A daredevil seduced by hope. I thought if I gave me all I could change things, that was the problem, I thought....
I would have defied the judgment of looks upon me. I would have gutted the doctrines of my faith that rebuked me and kept me from loving. I would have dethroned insecurity as the sole monarch of the kingdom of my body. But I knew deep down that he was not going to give up his family so easily; his wife and children, I seriously thought I would get away with it. I would have given everything, I would have done everything to see him happy, if only he would have told me: "Come with me."
THE END
Texto traducido con Deepl | Text translated with Deepl
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