The closer the day comes the less I want to leave the more I need to leave. And I know I wouldn’t want to stay, even if I changed my mind.
At 5 am I wake up somewhere between a dream and my alarm clock. Still confused and not sure if I am more awake or still in the world of sleep. My bed is the most comfortable thing I can imagine. Why would anyone decide to leave such a beautiful thing behind, to exchange it for a tent, hard floor and a wobbly sleeping matt? Shouldn’t I rather stay here and just sleep and chill?
On the table piles of clothes and gear. How many pairs of socks did I bring the last time? I can’t remember. A jacket for the wind, one for the rain, and a few extra warm layers. The further I progress the more I panic, how should I get all that stuff into my bags. Yet each piece seems so indispensable. When I find one to leave away, I remember two more I need to add. It seems never ending.
Since when do socks take up so much space?
Then I replace my restlessness with peace. Because I know, no matter how messy it all is now, it is only a matter of time and my only decisions will include where to eat and sleep. At the end of this pile lays the quiet effort and free thinking I am looking forward to.
Dressed in little flowers “I will miss that.”, I think, looking down on my long dress. Suddenly I notice the clothes I had packed are all black and my favourite trousers are missing. Dealing with the next problem, a luxury one, nonetheless aesthetics seem to be as vital for myself as eating and drinking so I can’t get around. How can I add colours, without compromising too much?
Didn’t I want to leave a week ago already?
Then I get stressed, feel like I am missing out on my life and that I have not enough time. Until I slow down again, breathe, remind myself of just how much I have done in recent weeks and that really I should be more present and just ignore these fears of being to slow or whatever. Another sign that I have to leave now. I need some “just me and my bike” with plenty of space and no distractions other than cows and beautiful landscapes.
I choose clearance over distraction. My bed is distraction and clearance seem to be some autumn storms in the alps. Excited and already feeling sorry for my future suffering self, yet the excitement wins.
Why am I doing this?
It’s a mess, it always is. And if I am not careful I’ll always find another thing to push my departure away. Just one more day. Just one more thing to fix or get and optimise.
I can’t wait to leave. I can’t wait until all these socks and books and pocket knifes and rain jackets are tucked away in bags.
Thursday I’ll leave on Thursday.
Ah yes, almost forgot. The route, I have to decide where I am actually going. That would be marvellous to have figured out by Thursday.
Thank you all for stopping by, enjoy the rest of your week!
All photos and words are owned by ©kesityu taken and written by myself.
