While on the Christmas family chat a while ago, a certain topic came out during the conversations. This was after my grandfather had chosen to retire to bed. It was about my grandparents' marriage as a whole. My grandmother passed away more than 20 years ago. Since then, my grandfather got remarried, divorced, and is now in his 90s. Still, he talks about her more than his second wife.
Each of his 5 children had different takes about their parents' relationship. Some positive. Some negative. Some even felt that they never actually loved each other. For someone who is a generation apart, it was an interesting listen. Of course, I drew my own conclusions.
Note: I want to focus this from the man's perspective. It is a publication for The Man Cave, after all.
I want to add this piece of Samurai Warriors 3 to add to the mood. I know it's a bit ironic to add in a piece about Sengoku Period Japan when they both hated the Japanese with burning passion. I couldn't find an appropriate one from the Dynasty Warriors series.
You see, my grandparents were born into the war-torn part of Chinese history. They were almost 10 years apart in age, but they have both witnessed World War 2. The atrocities of the Japanese Imperial Army were something burned in their memories. Not to mention the civil war against the communists that resumed soon after.
They didn't live in the easiest times. They were both of military families, so at least they didn't starve like many of the less fortunate ones. For my grandmother, married to someone in the air force in those days was a huge gambit. One wrong mission and she'd have ended up a widow.
But, how was their relationship?
The Bad
For me, all I can attest to is what I observed when I lived with them during my childhood.
I have seen my grandparents fight. Sometimes, in almost comedic ways. I have seen them play out what would appear to be martial arts comedy. Imagine two old people going kung fu on each other. Neither ever sustained terrible injuries.
I have heard them say terrible things to each other. Not only your middle school insults. There were things that were so personal, from background to flaws, they are too colorful for me to write out.
There were times they were so mad at each other, they wouldn't even eat at the same table. They wouldn't even watch the same show on TV in the same room. I even remember times when they refused to sleep in the same bedroom.
By today's standards, that either seems typical or downright abusive. And it might very well be. But, we often focus too much on negative and overlook the good that kept the couple together for decades. Note that they were together for over 45 years.
The Subtle Things
Amongst the items in my grandfather's office, there were a few sculptures. Busts, to be exact, that he made himself of a young woman. Not just any woman. He sculpted them in my grandmother's image. He's had them for as long as I remember. In fact, he's had them before I was born.
He also loved gardening back when he was able to. Everyone recalled he had dozens of orchids. They all bloomed in different colors. He used to submit some for local competitions and have the prize ribbons to prove it. Why orchids? Well, that was my grandmother's name.
Speaking of names, she had a nickname for him. I have never hear her call him otherwise. Nope, never his given name. Only the pet name she's given him. When she was mad, she wouldn't even use that pet name to address him.
In the final years of her life when she fell ill, he was there to take care of her needs. He recruited my oldest uncle and his family's help when he suffered a back injury. I mean, he was in his mid-70s at the time.
At the end of her life, according to my uncle's testimony, my grandmother bid her husband farewell. She apologized and said that she was sorry that she had to go before him in an emotional goodbye. Part of me felt if the situation in reverse would have yielded similar results.
In the End
Whenever I talk to my grandfather these days, he often brings out memories from the past. Many of which included my grandmother. There were good, bad, and sometimes hilarious.
As my oldest uncle would always say, "it's not something one can explain clearly". It applies to the dynamics of my grandparents' relationship.
Were the things they did to each other right or wrong? I can't answer that. We tend to judge things through the moral lens of our own lives.
All I know is that it was a different time then.