I'm pushing as hard as I can.
If you are not interested in hearing me complain about things in my life you probably don't know anything about, its okay, find some other post I wrote trying to be helpful.
My hobby is another job
Its worse than that actually, I probably have about 5 full time jobs right now, and any number of volunteer positions helping out other people.
I like helping other people, it makes me feel useful. But for today at least, or maybe just until I finish this post, I am sick of it.
I just spent the last 6 days fixing the road and bringing up material to build a bathroom. I don't think I am exaggerating when I say that there is nothing more important to my wife right now than a new bathroom. We updated a bit the bathroom that came with the farm, but that was almost 6 years ago now, and it shows.
Its not a problem, I can build a road. I'm a man. That's what men do, we get shit done.
Its just getting heavy carrying everyone else along with me.
I am sure I will be more motivated tomorrow, but its probably important for me that I take an honest look at all the people I am trying to help and cut out at least half of my current commitments.
I just missed what was for me an important meeting because I had to go get horse food for the 8 horses/mules that are helping me bring the material up to my house.
I had every good intention to go to that meeting, I have been attending for years, helping people I love not be so stupid, bitter and ignorant as they might be without my presence.
But I have to ask myself - is it my responsibility that they get their shit together? I am starting to think the answer is no.
Of course I am liable because I said I would be there, but I am seriously considering telling them to not count with me any more, that if I can make it I will come but I have a lot more important things to do that help them, as nice as it can be.
I know what I need to do, and I am doing it. I am literally building a road, and sometimes the neighbors help a bit. But they won't kill the dragon, so I guess I am the chosen one.
This is one of the reasons I bought some better positioned land, with direct road access. Although in terms of homesteading, having more people passing by brings its own challenges, but building a road is fucking hard. I am so tired.
I think back to the days of my youth. Work was fun, the boss always told us what to do and we did it. But being the boss sucks. I think I am getting better at it, but only through blood, sweat and tears. Every lesson costing time and money - my very essence traded for each minor improvement.
There is no hope to go back to being an employee for me. My path is chosen, and if I look back I am not even sure if it was chosen by me. But that's just weaseling, if blaming God worked there'd be a lot of successful people in this world.
But I am at the point of pruning, if I am to complete my God-given mission, I need to focus, and that probably means leaving some tasks incomplete. I've been trying to go Super Saiyen for a while now, and I think what I actually need is a Senzu Bean.
The Dragon we fight is Apathy, but - still I stand, in command.
Maybe one day soon I will sell this farm and move into the ECOBANK project. My wife loves this farm, probably would never let me sell it. Who knows, if there is any Dragon that I want to keep on my team, its my wife.
I need to learn to be more disagreeable. Its something I have heard Jordan Peterson talking about a lot. Its contraintuitive, but assertiveness training is actually a way to make agreeable people more disagreeable, so that they stand up for themselves.
I am what people around here call 'buena gente', and I am sure that they could also say 'demasiado'. I feel blessed, God has given me a lot to work with. And I generally give anyone the help that they ask for, but I am getting better at saying no. I'm still working on 'fuck off'.
I can already hear what you are saying, 'Oh Eco, that's why people don't change the world, its too hard.' And I understand, but with all due respect, FUCK YOU. You are weak and lazy, that's why you don't change the world, you can't even change your own life. But not me, I am unbreakable, and my team is learning to be unbreakable too.
I am just an administrator, a mayordomo. My boss told me long ago, prepare yourself because the work is long and arduous. It's possible that I didn't take that serious enough, but I do have a lot of tools, I am well trained and at least I never get bored.
This is my blog, and today I am happy to pour all of my despair and complaints out here. I have built an unstoppable portfolio and everything is at the disposition of my mission. As I serve my mission I cannot be stopped by anyone but myself, and I might bend but my will is unbreakable.
I serve a higher power, I tend the flames left to me, the dwindling fragments of what our ancestors held dear - and in the end, that is what will pull me though. If it was all for me, if it was even mostly for money, I would have given up long ago. But...
I am still here
For anyone still reading this, get your shit together. You think you have it tough? That's life. The literature clearly shows having too much money is more depressing than too little. Fix the problems, order the chaos, and start closest to you. Stop thinking you can take the speck out of someone else's eye before you clean out your own dirt filled peepers.
Until you clean your room, you'll never organize the house. If you can't keep a house, how dare you think you can organize the neighborhood? If you manage a family of drug-addicted grifters, how can you pretend to lead a nation?