A Walk In My Shoes

Raka Rachgo

As a child I was oblivious to the things happening around me because I was always caught up in my world and I can't remember exactly when I began to notice things outside my world but that's when my growth started.

Growing up I was taught to emulate my siblings and to listen to them whenever they advised me so I wouldn't fall by the roadside and end up being the black sheep of the family.

It was always "Listen to your older siblings, they know better than you," all the time and I couldn't do otherwise because I was the youngest and they were already grown by the time my parents had me so I had to study and observe and listen so I don't end up in a "bad situation."

As a result, everything I did depended heavily on what the elder ones had to say in the matter. If I wanted to table an issue before my parents I had to go to one of my siblings first and pitch my idea to him or her first - with lots of pleading too - just to get my parents to give in to my idea because they wouldn't listen to me in the first place and would only dismiss my argument as Child's talk which I had always resented from an early age and I made sure to let everyone know that I wasn't a child, even though I was.

I got my siblings to listen to me at least, though my parents were not quite welcoming, especially Mother.

I got so used to depending on my siblings that when they were no longer interested in all of my troubles because they had their lives to live it was hard making decisions for myself.
I was always second-guessing every decision I planned to make even before I made them.

I'd always ask myself these questions:

"Is this what my sister would have done?"

"Is this something my brother would do?"

"What would Mom and Dad say if they found out?" and so on.

As a result I was scared to take huge steps because of my indecisiveness and I'd prefer to wait until one of my siblings had the time and energy to listen to me and put me through.

This went on for a while until I turned 18, it was then I realized that I had spent most of my teenage years trying to emulate my brothers and sisters instead of doing what I really wanted and enjoyed.
I wasn't happy about it and it made me really sad to think I wasted my teenage years trying to be the adult I wasn't because I was scared of making mistakes and failing.

My Mom called a family meeting one day and was talking to all of us (well, my older siblings because apparently I'm not old enough yet) about taking charge of our lives and the power that comes with being independent. In a way, her words felt like they were meant for me especially when she said:

"It is only you that can give yourself exactly what you want,"

I reflected on those words and I realized the truth in those words.
Though my older siblings may know more than I do, it doesn't mean I am totally clueless about how the world works and after years of observing them and running to them for advice, I am pretty equipped to take major decisions in my life without having to second-guess myself or imagine myself in their shoes.

Though I may fail, I will learn from my mistakes.

It was really hard forcing myself not to run to my siblings immediately a little problem arose, a problem that can easily be fixed by me if I take the time to think and figure out ways and so far it has been going good with a lot of mistakes on the way, but good all the same.

I don't know if my siblings noticed that I don't call hundred times a day for one little thing or the other anymore. If they did and didn't mention it, well…

I am 19 and I am eager to grab the bull by the horns to see what life holds in store for me and I think it's safe to say I just started growing up.

Thank you for reading! ✨

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