Awaken
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"I love you, Jane."
I'm drunk already but I can still think well the alcohol forced me to confess. I thought the mood was perfect to tell her, actually, it's not just my first time. I've been telling Jane how much I love her.
"You are just drunk, Kim," she replies.
I was hoping for different words to hear but that. She smiled at me as if she doesn't believe me or has been playing with my feelings.
"But Jane--"
She signed her palm to stop and I had no choice but to nod, sulking.
"Please, Kim."
I didn't say a single word and she decided to go home. I keep nodding while walking but preventing myself from crying.
Yes, Jane doesn't need to tell me her reasons. She's still in love with her married boyfriend. She went to me crying because she was devastated seeing her boyfriend with her wife so happy. I don't know how that man fooled Jane. It hurts to see the woman I love keep on crying because like how much I love her she loves someone else. Sometimes I don't understand why the one I love doesn't love me back. Life is unfair, even though I already knew it, but still, the pain keeps haunting me.
A few days later, Jane and I disliked seeing me. She thought that she would just hurt me but she had no idea that every day without seeing her hurt me the most. The day is like no sun without seeing her face that brightened up my day.
"Damn it, give me more beer."
I'm drinking with my friends hours ago, and my mind started turning already. They asked me to drink with them but I never thought I could tell them how badly in love I am with Jane. They just said they're not surprised because it's obvious and they kept advising me to forget her. I wonder if there's a medicine to take to erase this kind of feeling because it's killing me every day while having this.
"I will head home first, guys."
I told them because if I stay for long I'll embarrass myself more by crying inside that bar. I wanted to cry, I want to release the fucking stupid feelings now that I'm drunk.
I started walking on my way home. I'm feeling dizzy while walking which makes it hard for me to walk well. No matter how dizzy I was, my mind suddenly cleared when I saw Jane walking on the opposite side with me so drunk too. I immediately ran towards her, acted like a hero to protect her and to make sure she'll be safe.
"Hey, Jane. Where are you going?"
I can tell she's drunk because like me her walking is not straight.
"Just leave me alone, Kim."
She said and pushed me away. It's too painful but I just let myself understand that she's drunk and doesn't think well about what she's doing.
"But you're drunk, I can not leave you here like this."
Yea, I can't leave her like that despite the tears I always shed for her. I'm afraid something bad might happen to her, it's dark and she's a woman.
"Let's go home together."
She stopped and shouted all of a sudden.
"AHHHH!!"
I keep my distance from her because she's getting mad.
"You know what Kim?"
She looked at me in my eyes.
"You became so-so annoying. I will go to Leo because she sent me a message to meet him."
I suddenly feel cold as if my body is getting weaker. I started to feel the discomfort from her words. I couldn't say anything and just nodded to avoid her face.
"How many times do I need to tell you that I don't love you. To love someone is not to force yourself to be with that person and just respect her decision."
I felt like I was smashed on my face. I felt like I could not breathe because the tightness of my chest was suffocating me. I prevented myself from crying in front of her or I will just be more pathetic. However, I didn't realize that my tears were already falling without my consent. It keeps on falling that I didn't see her left already riding in a taxi. I walk home slowly, nodding, and let the tears keep on rolling endlessly. And that night ended with heavy rain.
"Kim, where have you been?"
"It has been a week already since we last saw you?"
I just smiled at them with a calm reply.
"I went for a vacation."
Actually, I was home for the whole week, crying, sobbing until tears got drained and the pain vanished. Since that night I decided to forget Jane for good even though my feelings towards her were so stubborn that it refused to forget. I just remembered her words, her actions, and most of it the pain from her. I felt it again and again until I'd been used to it.
"Hi, Kim."
Jane greeted me while I'm talking with my friends.
"Hi?"
I replied to her with a smile and ignored them after. I'm making sure this time to avoid her at any cost or else the hard work I did for a week will be wasted.
"Can I talk to you, Kim?"
I was surprised by what she said but I was thinking in advance not to be fooled anymore.
"Can you talk to me here?"
She looked at the surroundings.
"No, I want to talk about it in private."
"Okay"
We arrived at the park with not too many people around. I sat right away and acted like I'm not interested in her presence.
"Sorry for that one night, Kim. I was too drunk and didn't know what I'd done."
I know this is what she wanted to talk about but it doesn't concern me anymore. I interrupted her talking right away before we went to the drama.
"If that's what you wanted to talk about, forget it and I'll just leave."
I'm acting strongly in front of her even though my heart is shouting to smile at her and eager for her reasons. Hoping that she'd be sorry for it but I know nothing will still happen.
"Okay, okay I will just forget, and thank you."
"But you know Kim-"
"Hmm?"
She hesitates to speak but when I looked at her she felt comfortable all of a sudden. Perhaps she thought I would love to hear it. She started smiling.
"You know what Kim, Leo--"
I stood up all of a sudden and said.
"Ah, for god sake Jane. Leave me alone, I don't want to hear any more dramas from you.!"
"I don't care what you will do to yourself anymore. I don't care if you love him so much. I don't hate you but I decided--"
"Fuck, my tears started falling." I said to myself.
I turned back and walked away from her. She keeps calling me with a trembling voice. I'm sure that was a voice who's crying but I don't want to look back or else I will stay. No matter how painful I'm feeling right now I won't let her torment my heart longer. No more fantasy, no more dreaming of a romantic love story, and no more magical feeling. I'll just forget her and start a love story where love is not one-sided.
END...
mrnightmare