Apple Strudell

I always lived according to expectations. Until I met her.

When my siblings would rummage through the refrigerator to raid the desserts Mom systematically organized for each day the week, I would play it cool and migrate to the far corner of the yard to entertain my mind from the rule violation that had been imposed.

"Desserts only after you've eaten everything." Mom said, on the occasion I remember.

I always wondered if my siblings heard the same thing. Apparently not, as they tried, on many occasions, to make me partake of the pleasure of eating, on the sly, a subtracted sweet. My answer was always the same.

"I'll eat the candy after the food."

As expected I was a model child (That's what I heard my parents say to their visitors when I, for whatever circumstance, walked across the room). My siblings caught the eyes of my parents, concerned about behaviors that differed from mine. Thus, I had the strange circumstance of being, at the same time, very much taken into account to compare to others and of acquiring, for me, an almost invisible condition.

Mom never went through any of my personal belongings. Not even my notebooks. School notes and conversations with teachers told her that everything was in order. On those occasions, Mom would just congratulate me at lunch, reward me with some special candy and then, very quickly, return to the arduous task of watching over and trying to manage my wayward siblings.

In the tangle of house rules, school rules and other regulations that I learned to carry perfectly, and thanks to the invisibility effect that protected me like a magic cloak, I made, in myself, a special place where I felt satisfied, happy and (although it is hard to believe it) completely free.

When I entered the university, as expected, I already knew how to move like a fish in water. I didn't have to make much effort. I religiously attended classes and seminars, carefully reviewed the programs and gradually began to savor the strange sensation of appearing divergent. It was time to raise my perspectives and I did.

The students began to look at me as one looks at a robot. In their gazes I felt a mixture of admiration, awe and mockery. My experience told me that if I wanted to remain invisible, i.e. free, I had to resist the temptation to join some of the noisy groups.

As expected, I met my academic goals and then a job that required a lot of concentration. I liked that.

With my desire to remain free, in the strange determination to remain anonymous, isolated, I reached middle age until she arrived, apple candy in hand, at the café where I regularly read a book.

"I know you're never going to approach me because I'm invisible to you." She said without further ado as she reached out her hand to offer me the candy.

I was more than surprised.

"Take my gift," She said.

Her intonation reminded me of my mother's. A deep impulse lifted my hand and I obediently took the candy.

"Thanks, I'll eat it later" I said, true to my old principles.

A mixture of surprise and uneasiness quickened my pulse, as I watched her smiling face. She looked like a teenager committing the greatest mischief.

I'll be waiting for you by the fountain in the central square at four o'clock. I have shared classes with you. I know you've never seen me. My name is Eva."

Eva turned her back on me and left without waiting for an answer. The hours that followed were the most difficult of my life. I tried to concentrate on my book to no avail. My gaze went from the clock to the apple candy every so often. I will never know how I made the decision to go to the fountain.

What is certain is that I was in the square punctually and there I remained looking towards the four streets that converged on it. I don't remember the clothes Eva was wearing. I could only say that she had a beautiful voice, bright eyes and that she had offered me a sweet.

I saw her arrive as if in a dream, with her hair loose and a skirt that moved to the rhythm of her hurried gait. I was completely grateful that no one was watching us at that moment.

But the anonymity didn't last for long. Eva was the opposite of an invisible being, she was a walking laugh, a striking woman that there was no way to let go unnoticed. Her face quickly became familiar to me.

We began to walk in no fixed direction... at the end of that encounter we ate apple candy together and for the first time in my life a woman kissed me.

My notion of freedom fell apart that day. I began to depend on her gaze.