Ready, Set, Sus.


"All right, which one of you heathens did this?" Leda barked.

The three teens in the back seat shifted nervously. Smeared across the SUV's windshield was a layer of white goo. Leda hadn't waited around for a confession and was trying to unravel the bacon from her windshield wipers. They could see her mouth moving, enraged spittle exploding from her plum colored lips with each slice of pork belly she freed.

"Jake, what the heck were you thinking? We got to ride all the way to State with her all spazzed out now!" London snapped as she elbowed Jake in the ribs.

*"Hey, like I'd be dumb enough to do that," *Jake replied rubbing his ribs through his Gonzaga Bulldogs shirt.

"Don't look at me, I wouldn't waste bacon." Billy replied, "Someone should go to jail for crimes against deliciousness."

London wrinkled her freckle speckled nose like she always did when she was annoyed. "It's bad enough that I have to be stuck with you two basics all the way to State, but seriously, wrapping the windshield wipers in bacon, wtf?" she sighed as she whipped out her phone and snapped a selfie to put on her Instagram story."

"Like I want to be stuck in here with you either, Princess Extra." Billy scoffed as returned to his Among Us game.

"Well, I'm gonna help her clean the windshield," Jake replied opening his door.

After a seemingly never-ending pandemic, things were opening back up in their state. That of course meant that for the first time in a year, they were allowed to go to the state debate competition in person. Of course Jake really wished he were making the journey with somebody else besides the most popular girl in school and the school's biggest clown.

Ms. Beauxton was cool enough, so was Mr. Pearson, who was running late, Jake mused as he shut the SUV's door and walked toward his teacher. As far chaperones went, they could have worse.

"Like seriously, who would wrap bacon around someone's windshield wipers," Leda grunted as she flicked a chunk of freshly unwrapped bacon off her fingers.

"Well, I mean, we did just talk about using animal fat to waterproof in class the other day..." Jake trailed off as he reached for the passenger side wiper. His teacher was looking at him like he had just delivered the most stupid news headline ever constructed.


Jake whirled around. Behind him was a calico cat with luminous green eyes.


"Ha ha ha" came a call from above Ms. Beauxton's shoulder.

"Oh no," Leda said, her face growing pale as she watched the seagull land on the ground a few feet from her and inhale the bacon she had already discarded.

"Jake, get that bacon off the wipers, Now!" She barked, unraveling overstretched strips of bacon from the wipers.

Jake got to work, after noticing that another cat, a Russian Blue, had joined the calico. He could feel the new cat's amber eyes piercing his back. More seagulls arrived and joined in the there's bacon chorus.

"Good morning guys! Man, there is a lot of animals out this morning, huh?" Mr. Pearson had arrived. His unruly black hair flopped out from underneath a plaid trilby.

At that moment a particularly brave seagull flopped onto the SUV's hood and made a dash for the bit of bacon dangling from the driver's side wiper.

"Get back you scurvy sea rat!" Leda yelled, frantically trying to free the last piece of bacon.

The gathering cat army wasn't taking the incursion on their meat turf lightly and Jake let out a scream as the calico used his backside as an invasion ladder. Jake's body involuntarily spasmed as the cat's claws ascended his track pants and t-shirt clad form. Soon Mittens the Conqueror was sailing through the air and sank its teeth right into the bacon that Ms. Beauxton had a hold of.

She let out a bloodcurdling scream which was fully harmonized by the seagull's simultaneous melodic battle cry emission. The cat, teeth fully locked and loaded, let out a triumphant screech as it attempted to wrest the bacon out of Leda's hand and the rest of the way off of the wiper. The seagull was no quitter though and started pecking the calico and Leda's hand with the same intensity as a kid smashing YouTube subscribe buttons on a Saturday afternoon in the suburbs.

London had exited the car and was streaming the whole thing live, her lips were frozen in an "I'm so going viral with this" O of imminent dopamine drip elation. Jake was locked in a stare-down with the Russian Blue cat, both parties frozen in a state of indecision when suddenly a stream of water blasted by him and hit the bacon battlefield.

Leda's husband Joe was on the other end of the improvised bacon insurgency crowd control water canon. His portly face was lit up in a composition of emotion that was equal parts The Joker and General Patton. Clad in a blue and grey plaid bathrobe and panda slippers, he definitely didn't fit the profile of a knight in shining armor, but his shoulders bore the squared determination of a liberating force of righteousness, and his stream flowed true.

The cat bolted, flying right over Leda's shoulder and smacking into London's crop top adorned chest. London screamed but managed to keep her phone on point, while Leda wasn't so lucky, the stream of water bounced off of the car windshield at the perfect angle to completely immerse her form in bacon-infused H2O. The seagull aborted his attack and retreated to the heavens, calling out all manner of insults upon the battlefield as he and his cohorts retreated.

"Wow this trip's already exciting, and we haven't even started our journey yet." Mr. Pearson said and started braying like a donkey as walked around to put his bags in the back.

"Shut up, Bob!" Ms. Beauxton snapped, wiping water out of her eyes as she stomped in the house to change.

Billy, still seated in the back passenger seat and tapping away on his phone's screen, smiled and tossed a bacon box out of the window.

And as most of the time, all of the images in this post were taken on the author's bacon free and full of glee iPhone.

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