A tale of twenty years-Weekend-Engagement #199

Hiya folks! 💕💕

This week, well, yesterday, I came back to Hive after a 2-year hiatus because of different reasons, but that doesn’t matter, what matters is that I’m back and in good timing because this weeks' topics are awesome!

Today my boss came unexpectedly to bring good news and bad news (not that I didn’t foresaw that and warned her), but in the conversation, I told her that I’ve thinking a lot about my road in these last 10 years, so I’m half way there in regards as my chosen topic for this weekend.

So, without further a due, here is my entry.

An 18 year old girl with hopes and dreams ahead of her.

After a lot of work, growth, and a little bit of bullying thrown into the mix, I made the biggest decision I had made so far: leave home and go conquer the big city of Caracas-Venezuela.
This came mostly because my mentor at the time convinced me that I had a future over there and I believed him, so I left, and that was the beginning of a path of thorns and self-discovery to which I ow everything.

At first, it was awesome, I mean, I was accustomed to looking after myself, mostly because I was more out of my home than in it due to my orchestra (I'm an oboist), and we had so many trips and tours so I was alone, and yes, grownups where there looking out for us, but my parents weren’t allowed to be there, so I was alone, with people, but alone, so it wasn’t a big change.

Soon enough trouble started. What I had thought were good intentions, soon revealed themselves as hidden agendas and I was so disappointed, but without a choice.

I mean, what was I going to do? Turn back?
No. That wasn’t an option. I needed to continue.

But keeping my dignity, values, and principles learned from my parents and mentors didn’t play to my favor and I started to watch others advance while I was standing still at the same spot. However, I rose above and became 1st Oboist at a Juvey Orchestra and lived so many great things there.

That was until my body said: nope, I don’t want to.

I spent about a year and a half in doctors’ appointments, tests, medical disability, etc., to finally get diagnosed with Fibromyalgia (chronic pain that doesn’t have a specific origin and doesn’t have a cure). I tried to go back to my orchestra only to find that whom I thought were my friends turned their back on me and even said that I was making it all up (Fibro is a very underestimated illness, it is not widely accepted and minimized because we don’t look sick enough).

That right there sent me into a very deep depressive state, in which I attempted to take my own life. But again, I rose above and made the necessary changes. I got counseling and by the time I was 25, I came back home. I enrolled in college, took a teaching job (oboe lessons), came back to the local orchestra, and basically started a new life.

I got bigger in the process

Five years later I graduated Top 10 of my class and got an Honorific Mention-Magna Cum Laude. My life was great! But destiny has a big sense of irony. A huge economic crisis hit my country and it all started to fall apart.

My dad got sick, our combined wages weren’t enough to last the month, and even less to pay for medical bills. I found a friend in the local market with whom I had an agreement to get store credit weekly, so thank God we never went hungry. However, I lost about 20kilos, my parents lost more, my job was unbearable, it was hell. By 2019 my dad passed away, my little brother left the country, and my little sister moved to the capital before Covid came and caused all sorts of havoc. She came back and she, our mom and I found a way to stay on the surface.

My last picture with my dad 😔

I got sick 3 times despite not coming into contact with anyone during the quarantine, and in the meantime, my boss threw at me more and more obligations to later blame all the institutional problems on me. I was on the verge of another depressive state, but this time, I knew better.

Since then I started to let go of the things that are not in my hands to control, like so:

1. I do not choose what others do, only what I do: whether be actions, thoughts, or words, they are not in my hands, I can say anything and I know what I mean and what are my intentions, but I do not choose how others hear it o see it, even less how they react to it and vice versa. So, instead of worrying about what others think or say about me, I make a self-review of my actions and take responsibility for them, but I don’t dwell on whether they thought something bad or not, or whether I’m ill-talked by others.

2. Family is primordial, but always set boundaries: It is often thought that because we have a family, within it we all have a free pass to do and say whatever, whenever. And that's the main cause of trouble between parents and sons and daughters, or between siblings, etc. One must be able to say enough is enough without that implying that we don’t love each other. Respect in all relationships is key, I own my own life, you own yours, and we have different opinions, styles, etc., let’s respect that and we’ll be happier for it.

3. I know what I want and what I don’t want in my life: everyone goes through a period of self-doubt.

What am I doing with my life, what does the future hold, what if I’m forty and have no wife/husband and no kids?

All valid questions, but do we take the tima and ask ourselves if we really want that?

The white picketed fence, twins and the trophy wife/husband, CEO in a prestigious company, good neighbors, the dream. Not all of us want that, and that’s ok.
I don’t want to get married and I certainly don’t want kids. I don’t want a relationship where I lose my identity and compromise what I want my life to be (sadly the guys who notice me are that kind).
So, I know what I want and what I don't want, and I'm content with that.

4. Don’t allow other people to have power over you: this relates to the two previous points. Nor family or life partner, boss or co-worker should have power over you in regards to what you do or don’t do with your life (unless your life choices put you or others in danger). Nobody should have the power to manipulate you, guilt-trip you into doing something you don't want, or turn you into someone you don't want to be, that power resides within you, so don't give it away.

5. Let it flow: sometimes we tend to be eager to have everything happen when we want it to and how we want it to, and life isn’t like that. Everything happens when and how it’s supposed to.

Of course, that doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t work towards a goal, but often we suffer most because of the expectations in time and results. We need to understand that just because it didn’t happen in a certain time or in a certain way doesn’t mean we are a failure and that there are no more opportunities. We fall, we cry, we dust ourselves, we learn, and we keep on going.
So, cry, scream, punch if you must, and after that keep going and let it flow.

I’ve learned other things but this post will become a book if I keep going. But these five things have become my credo, and have allowed me to serve as a counselor for my family, my friends, and my coworkers, and I don’t let myself forget about any of that.
All the bad that has happened to me has served as important lessons, some harder than others, but life lessons that have chapped me into who I am today, and I wouldn't have it any other way.

I'm happy 💕

That’s it, that’s my entry for this weekend.

Thanks as always to @galenkp for creating this space for all of us, you’re awesome!

See you next time folks!

The pictures are mine and the thumbnails were made by me using Canva.


Saturday, March 30th, 2024.

3 columns
2 columns
1 column