An open letter to MoMoGrow

Dear MoMoGrow,

In anticipation and excitement I travelled to your home. I was looking forward to meeting you and your family. Although we had not yet met, you already communicated your specifications and expectations. You already knew me. Afterall, it's all about personal taste, so indirectly you made me what I am. I owe my existence to you. I was impressed and flattered that you had me custom-made for that important corner of your salon where my dimensions fit perfectly. I am the centre-piece - the main attraction (the television might argue but this is my letter). The wall and canvas photo compliment me. You took care to ensure that I would feel at home. I was happy for that. Your family was so excited to see me. Thanks for the warm welcome.

Personal care
At first you took great care of me. You protected me: not wanting anyone eating on me without a tray, not wanting the kids to jump all over me, watching out for those dirty hands that could secretly smudge my covers. All 5 of you treated me with respect. I appreciated that. I was vacuumed daily to ensure my alcantara cover was dust free. How refreshing!

A "win-win" situation
I always looked great and I felt very special. It was a “give and take situation” – a real “win-win”. I am soft and comfortable and always ensured that you felt cushioned and cosy. You’ve said it yourself. The compliments made me realise that I am the favorite item in the salon - maybe in the entire house. I might exaggerate but I will bask in the spotlight since I know it could be short-lived. MoMoGrow - I know my predecessor’s fate. Just remember my calibre - I am made to last a long time. This alcantara is the best. Anyway, right now I am the youngest of the soft seatings and I want to enjoy all the time your family is spending with me, for as long as it is possible.

Much to my chagrin, shortly after my arrival, things started to change. It is probably my fault for looking so good. It was my first party. Champagne gushed all over me – I was inebriated all because that was my first time. However, as they say – there is a first time for everything. I got used to wine, coffee, tea, soft drinks, juices – I got to try everything - without asking. I developed a distaste for even water because it penetrates easiest into my inner interiors – faster than everything else. It is a waste and I don’t even get wasted.
I heard you once exclaim,
“Thank goodness alcantara is cleanable!”
Just remember looks are deceiving – please consider my internal state.

My goodness, adults love to talk about carrying weight on their shoulders. No one understands what it’s like to carry weight all over one's entire body – not only on the shoulders. This is not an expression - for me this is literal! This is my daily plight! Ok, ok – it might be what I am made for, but let’s not take things for granted. On a lighter note, I love the company of your family. You gave me a warm and loving home. However, I must admit – I have a favourite - your youngest daughter. She weighs the least.

Since I am on the subject, weight is indeed an issue for me. I know I am no lightweight myself but on movie and family nights, there are 5 of you sitting or sprawled all over me. Thank goodness for the pouf because then I have fewer legs and a bit less weight to bear. The pouf does not always come into the picture, but I must express my gratitude.

However, family nights are not the worst. When you have guests, the situation becomes unbearable - well, I get smothered. Especially when there is football - everyone wants to cosy up. I become messy and the weight is burdensome. I am not calling names but some of your friends are more rotund than others. You can guess the ones I am referring to, as you seem to love their company. I must admit they are the funniest and most animated bunch. I can forget all my troubles and just have a good laugh.

The other seatings are mostly ignored - except during the pandemic. That was the only advantage. Nonetheless, I do not know whether you realise that the pandemic took a toll on me; with work-at-home, home schooling and stay-cation one year. I got a bit worn out. I feel now that you can resume going away for all the children’s school vacations. I will be honest, now that the pandemic seems over, your parties and impromptu get-togethers mean that I am depreciating faster. I am concerned as my days are numbered.

I am always there for you. I am loyal, reliable and hardworking and I do appreciate the daytime breaks. However, I must admit, I love when no one sits on me because then the air is clean. Air comes up but air also goes down. That is never pleasant. You know what I mean.


Sometimes I wish I could speak on your behalf.

Since I can't, I am happy you have house rules. Your oldest listens and mostly abides by them. I know first-hand that I was saved from the unthinkable. I overheard the discussion one sleepover night. That drunken teenage friend just wanted to crash on me at first sight.
Your oldest sternly said,
“No – no way. Mommy would not like that. Who knows what could happen!”.

She was right. The unthinkable happened. It would have been so abhorrent. The poor sofa bed was not spared the oral eviction of the gastric contents. The sofa bed is not lucky at all.

I deign to bring up a touchy subject. It is so easy to differentiate myself from the other soft seatings – the loveseat, the chaise longue, the sofa bed, even that....that other couch and the fat boy. Although some say it’s snobbery or cultural appropriation to be called a Couch – I am not sitting on laurels, so let’s not be politically correct. I agree “coucher” is French but it means “to sleep”. Thus my origins remain a mystery. Being French, the LC4 totally understands but the others think there is no impartiality.

But let me be clear - I might be an enigmatic cross breed but I am neither a settee nor a sofa.

That latter name is “sofa-cating” and “so fa@@ ing annoying” - pardon my French. Couch is simply what I've become accustomed to. I am happy that you call me a Couch, MoMoGrow. I am also happy that you correct anyone that calls me a sofa. You are my sort of owner. I am mirroring you.

That reminds me, the mirror thinks it has seen a lot, but I am best positioned to be the know-it-all. I do not need to reflect on anything, nor to eavesdrop. I speak from experience, I hear everything. The salon is the livingroom and it is called that for a reason. Everyone frequents there. The mirror has seen nothing until it’s walked in my shoes – well my proverbial shoes. Ok - no more name-calling since these inanimate objects cannot speak for themselves!

I must admit that I have the best gossip in the house but my lips are sealed. I keep it all to myself. I know a lot about your family but I also know things your guests say at your parties; the whispers when as the hostess you depart to the kitchen or the front door. You know me best, I owe my creation to you, so I am committed to you.

When you hang out with me - I want to divulge everything. However, if I start talking – you might get a heart attack.

That's not the idea. This is the reason why I decided to write this open letter. I hope that now you know that you can talk to me anytime. You know where to find me.

As I said before, I am totally grateful to you. Despite that, sometimes I am tempted to say,
“Get out of my personal space!” or “Don’t sit down – do some exercise!”

I politely refrain - it's just stressful thoughts from the wear and tear.
It is almost vacation time. I know I’ll get a long breather ...... as I’ll have 4 weeks off.

MoMoGrow, thanks for your understanding. I write with candor but also with much love and gratitude.

Your Couch

Photo taken taken by me with my iPhone 6S

With this fun prompt - my imagination got the better of me. I got a bit carried away. My couch might never seem the same again.

This post is in response to @galenkp's Weekend Engagement Concept. I chose:

Talking objects

What inanimate (non-living) item do you think would be interesting or funny if it could talk? Explain the item, what it does and give us some examples of what it might say should it be able to talk.

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