So much anger...

Will it ever fade completely away?

I think not. It is hard to even type these words about it. I mostly try not to think about the loss of my little Sister "Misti." She preferred to be called Mick. She was such a hard ass and a tom boy all her life. We fought like cats and dogs when we were young and she hit hard. She was a tough gal.

A heartfelt apology would have been mixed in somewhere between the tears and the letting go of saying goodbye...

"I Though We had more TIME"

That is what my brother said to my best friend and life partner @pooky-jax when She asked him how could you not tell your (her) own brother or father that she was dying from terminal lymphoma cancer? You see at times I feel like a coward, like less than a man for not being able to go to her funeral. For sending my Kelly. My best friend in life understood that I was a broken and angry man. She knew that I could not be trusted to be there and not rip my brothers or my sisters husband and any others faces off for not telling me or my father that she was dying. I did not go to protect them, from me. Nearly ten years have passed. The anger has not.

I Never Got to Say I Am Sorry or Goodbye

For robbing us of the chance to tell her how much we love her and will miss her. How even tho me and her, we fought hard in between living, loving, and laughing. How much having her as a little sister helped me and shaped my life in a good way.

We both loved animals and rescue of them was a passion we shared. She worked at farms and greenhouses and at times cooking in restraunts all her life.

Many good and bad things happened throughout our lives. Some abuse we both experinced as children from babysitters that I will just not talk about ever. It is a bond we shared. I also know she went to her afterlife thinking I hated her as we were not talking. It had been several years since we almost came to blows. Face to face with fists cocked and loaded. We were both very much alike in our ability to hold a grudge and stay angry. Just 6 months or so before her death. She texted me and asked how I was doing. I said good and never reciprocated by asking how she was. Just a little thing like that will haunt me forever. That was our last connection. The last back and forth. That hurts so much still.

I do not think I will ever get over my own brother doing (or not doing) what He did by letting her pass without telling me or our own father. That to me is...

Unforgivable

Feel free to tell me how horrible I am for not being able to forgive my own older sibling. Or would you be as angry and unforgiving? Please take into account that many, far too many other shitty things have been done and said in the past. Far too many to write about here today. They add up and at some point. A point that is different for everyone. There comes a breaking point. As I said earlier...

I Am a Broken Man

I do not consider him a brother. Bro is a term I use for those I have respect for. He will always be related. I can not change that. But he will never be "my bro" again.

I try to remember the good times with my lost sister Misti. We shared so many of them. The bad moments were few and far between. And it tears me apart to this day that she left life when things were not good between us. I do not think I will ever get over that.

Here are photos of a few of those good memories.

The last photo she ever sent me a few years before cancer took her from us. Her marriage photo (no wedding)...